Skinned knees and another bump in the road

It's hard to imagine things not working out for us but I feel like I have fallen once again and skinned my knees.  Of course I will get up, brush them off, and once again pretend that nothing happened but until then I'm just going to lay here for a while.

So what does this mean.  I cannot even believe I am typing this but yesterday I got a call from our donor agency letting us know that our donor will no longer be going through with the ivf process.  I really didn't even have any words.  I just sat on the phone and cried.

What do you mean.  She just wasted 5 months of my time only to tell me no.  Are you kidding me.  Apparently after she and her husband met with their lawyer the husband was concerned about the donor taking ivf medication.  He thought it was going to harm her so he refused to allow her to proceed with the process.

Not only is that an insane thing but it is so irrational.  If it were going to harm her hello why in the hell would I have taken it 4 times.  What good would a donor agency, reproductive clinic, or any other person in this business be if it were harming women.

So after lots of tears and more tears I am once again sitting here with Matt trying to make a decision.  What do we do?  Why does this keep happening?  Is this real life?  

I cannot explain how hard it is to try and have children when you suffer from a genetic condition.  It's the hardest thing I have have gone through and yet the harder I fight the worse it gets.  There is no cure, no simple fix, and no surgical procedure.  All we have is luck and lately we have not had luck on our side.

Of course this is how it goes right.... Remember my post a few months ago about things going wrong. Well here we go again.  Matt said it was fate... Murphy's Law.  Well when is it going to be right? I cannot think of two more deserving people and all we get is nothing.  Tears of sadness never joy.  

I took the day for myself to wrap my head around what our agency told me.  I talked with our lawyer and we won't lose too much of the money if we don't pursue another donor.  I'm still waiting to hear back from my nurse from Dr. Miller's office.  So now we just keep weighing our options.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Part of our decision also weighs heavily of wanting a family and not just one child.

So if you believe in miracles please pray one lands our way.  I think if we ever have children it will be a miracle and not just because we "tried"