Falling numbers

I am realizing how much IVF is a numbers game and how "hooked" I get on the numbers and how anxious they make me feel.  We had our embryo retrieval yesterday and I had 19 eggs.  Not the winning number in comparison to my other retrievals ( that was 22) and not the losing number (that was 17).

I got an update from my embryologist that out of the 19 eggs, 13 were mature enough to implant with Matt's super swimmers and 12 out of the 13 made it to a fertilized embryo.  I should be happy with 12 right?  But of course playing the numbers game I'm still left disappointed.  

Maybe perhaps it is because I am comparing myself to other women that have had egg retrievals and get 35-40 eggs. Matt tells me to not compare myself and to just let things be but its just so hard not too.  

After I found out I only had 12 embryos I quickly compared my stats and numbers against my previous rounds of in vitro... How could I not right? Well even though I'm not feeling too confident in this round and prepping myself mentally that I will need to do another round I did find a little ray of sunshine and hope in my deep cloud of sadness and disappointed.  

My very first round, the round I got pregnant with, and brought so

 much love and joy and also lots of sadness.  THe round that has motivated me to want a family more than I could ever imagine.   Well I had even less that first round.... Only 10 embryos and actually only 3 that made it far enough to test. So that's the little bit of sunshine I am clinging too.  It's not easy, it's not fun, but one day I will be able to hopefully look back and thank god We went through all that we  have gone through to have a beautiful family.