Dr. Miller walked into our appointment looked us in the eye and said "Unfortunately I can't change genetics, and unfortunately genetics is your biggest problem. 4 rounds of in vitro and no embryos to implant I think your next best option to help you get the family you want would be to consider a donor egg."
Excuse me? Did you just say donor egg? The thing they offer to women that are usually double my age? No, not me, I'm only 28! You must have meant to say that to someone else.
Unfortunately he did. And just like someone punched me in the stomach and it hurt enough to make me cry, I tearfully responded to his offering.
About an hour after discussing our options with him we walked out of the appointment with 5 options to think about.
1). Try naturally ( waste of our time according to him)
2). Try naturally with the help of clomid ( waste of our time according to him)
3). Try natural with the help of the shots to make me super ovulate ( follistim, menopur, etc.). If we go this route in my opinion you might as well do ivf with pgd
4). Ivf with pgd again
5). Donor egg ivf
So now we sit here and ponder what to do. Dr. Miller is concerned that if I continue to try naturally and continue to miscarry that I am at high risk for scarring my uterus which will then NEVER allow me to get pregnant and hold a pregnancy long enough to have a viable pregnancy. Tough words to hear but all valid points.
It's been a rough few days. Lots of tears. Lots of anger. Lots of questions. I went back to one of the ivf blogs I follow and re-read one of her posts. In a world of so many questions I have to say that I found comfort in this woman's very first blog post...
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
author unknown
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
author unknown
So as we decide on what our "next step" will be, I have to thank god for making us better people and for making us stronger than we ever could have imagined. I ask that if you believe in him, please pray for strength for Matt and I as we make a tough decision of whether or not to pursue a long journey of continuing to try for our own biological children or accepting a new journey and new opportunity to become parents through a wonderful donor.
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