Always someone else

Last Friday was a hard day for me.  While at work I was talking with my friend/co-worker ( also the nurse that was supposed to replace me after I had baby M in 2014) about drinking coffee and cutting back and how hard it is.  She said she had cut back completely from drinking three cups a day.  Not even thinking I would hear the dreaded answer I hate, I asked if she and her husband were going to try to have kids soon like we had talked about.  

She kind of stopped and paused and looked at me and said " can I tell you something."  Well needless to say I didn't have to hear anymore... My eyes teared up when she told me and I kindly congratulated her on her pregnancy.

Now I've recently had quite a few friends, friends of friends, relatives, and Matt's close friends have babies and I can honestly say while it's not always easy to hear it hasn't been as hard as hearing that my co-worker is pregnant.

I think most of my sadness and jealousy stems from when she started working with me.... Right after I lost the baby.  We had already had this conversation that she would probably be pregnant and have a baby before me but it still hurt knowing that, that was actually true.  For once in my life I wish my pessimistic attitude would be wrong.  I think also one of the hardest things is knowing that I will have to work side by side with her every day at work watching her stomach grow and her body nurture a growing baby, something I long for so bad.  

Some things I can handle and move right on past and somethings I just cannot.  This one definitely was like a knife to my stomach and another reminder of just how hard infertility can be.  I pray that one day i will be able to get over feelings like I have when people around me tell me they are pregnant.  Only until I complete my family will I ever get over that hurdle though.  

On a positive note.  Matt and I have started our "natural " method of trying to concieve and I gotta say it's much better than having an ultrasound probe shoved up your lady parts trying to get you pregnant at the right time!  Matt seems to be enjoying the "non in vitro route" as well!