I don't know if I can really comprehend how long three years really is but sometimes it feels like an eternity and sometimes it feels like I have closed my eyes and the past couple of years have flashed by me. I do know, when I try to quantify the time that we have been trying, I truly am amazed I'm still standing.
3 years... The time it took me to complete middle school, the time you go from being a freshman to a senior in college. How old my youngest niece is on my side of the family. It's crazy!
Most people tell me to be thankful I am young and that we started early. I am thankful for that but it still doesn't take the pain away knowing that we've been trying for so long with no success. I had a little plan in my head... A plan of when I would get married (check, that happened earlier than I had planned) and a plan of when I would have kids (by the age of 27 or 28). And guess what... I'm approaching 29 in 4 months with no kid.
For a type A control freak you have no idea how hard that is. I've shared this with some of my girlfriends before. Infertility is hard because you try and try and try and sometimes you feel like you fall down again and again and sometimes you feel like you finally got it, you've finally reached success. It's like studying as hard as you can for a test and failing over and over and over again. I've always had success. Good grades, somewhat athletic, good job, etc. So I never had really felt what it feels like to fail. Well let me tell you, it sucks.
I'm hoping that the time comes soon, that I will be on the road to success again but until then it's hard to really feel excited and happy again that we are doing in vitro because I've been burned so many times.
On a positive note I just found out this week that the family who used our baby mama about a month ago had a positive pregnancy test. So hallelujah I do have a little twinkle of hope to hang on to. I know she's fertile and now I know her eggs work. So again I am just in the holding pattern until hopefully the middle of October.
I'm trying to make the best of my time waiting to start in vitro again but man is it hard. Matt and I have actually been super busy lately and have a lot of fun plans coming up the next few weeks. I do keep wishing and wishing that time would speed up and it would be October before I know it.
Anyways I thought I would just share a little about what's on my mind.
Oh and yes one more thing can I add that it's been quite the week of Why her and not me.... Adding to the pregnancy list 2 more coworkers! Ouch! That brings the grand total to 6 out of like 35 co-workers. And my sister-in-law. Some of these I'm totally fine with (the ones married, wanting kids, trying for a second a.k.a my sister-in-law and the doctor I work with) but it kills me when the one girl I found out about tells me after I ask her if she's excited "ehh not really. I'm too selfish of a person. My boobs hurt, I miss my wine, and I'm miserable." Oh lord, again I about lost it!!!
Oh well, it's the nature of life... People will always have kids around us, people will be getting pregnant, I just have to stop letting it affect me so much. Easier said than done though right? On a funny note I told me accupuncture lady I was sad and it was because everyone around me was knocked up and I wasn't. You know what the lady told me. With her cute Asian accent " oh Jenn dis is good. Dis mean good thing happen for you soon. In Chinese culture Babies and pregnancy bring good luck! In China if you have problem getting pregnant you bring pregnant friend over and have her stay with you for few days because it bring good energy..." Oh Jing I hope you're right!!!!
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