Part of the reason it was a little hard was because "baby Jude " and "baby M" were supposed to be only a few months apart from each other and Jenn, my girlfriend, and I had grand plans of them being best buds, lots of stroller dates, and enjoying all things new mamas often dream about. It's milestones not only in my own life but in other's lives that really make me realize how hard this journey can really be.
I have sworn off most baby showers to protect myself. I refuse to goo and gaa over cute baby things so I don't have to hold back tears or get an awful pit in my stomach because I secretly envy the heck out of the cute pregnant mama to be. So consider yourself lucky if I come... I must really like you. I wasn't sure how I would feel about a first birthday so I went back and forth about going.
I was really uncertain about it but I knew that many of our friends would be there so Matt and I decided it would be fun to see everyone. Life as an infertile chick some times comes with humor. The conversations I have with myself or Matt reflect me "talking up my courage" to be around certain things like new babies and pregnant mommas to be. I knew there would be quite a few babies and pregnant ladies at this party so Matt and I came up with a secret handshake that if I had, had enough I would squeeze Matt's hand three times.
Hello are we five? Secret handshake... Yes pathetically and hilariously we thought it was the best way to politely excuse ourselves if I needed to go because I had enough baby talk. It's funny the things that I do now to protect myself. Out of embarrassment or shame... No. It's more that when I am at my limit I don't need to force myself to be in a position I know is not healthy for me.
Thankfully I didn't have to use the handshake last night 😉. We celebrated baby Jude and I got to hold our other friends brand new 7 week baby. I took advantage of the "good baby mojo" that little guy will hopefully bring me and rocked the little peanut to sleep.
So what did the three squeeze handshake stand for you wonder ? Each squeeze represented a word. TIME TO GO. Of course like always Matt was right, he knew I would be fine, but he was at least sweet enough to protect me and come up with a way to discreetly do it.
If you haven't experienced infertility you'll never know the feeling. But those of you that have, know all too well that feeling of you really want to be some where but have to put your guard up in order to not break down. Thankfully the party turned into reminiscing about old high school memories and less about babies.
Just in case you weren't at the birthday here is the birthday boy. What a stud! It's hard to believe he is one because Matt and I got to hold that little peanut on the first day he was born.
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