Disappointing News

                        

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Miller to discuss what he thought would be the next best option for us.  Needless to say Matt and I walked into the appointment completely blind sided from what he had to say to us.

Dr. Miller walked into our appointment looked us in the eye and said "Unfortunately I can't change genetics, and unfortunately genetics is your biggest problem.  4 rounds of in vitro and no embryos to implant I think your next best option to help you get the family you want would be to consider a donor egg."  

Excuse me?  Did you just say donor egg?  The thing they offer to women that are usually double my age?  No, not me, I'm only 28!  You must have meant to say that to someone else. 

Unfortunately he did.  And just like someone punched me in the stomach and it hurt enough to make me cry, I tearfully responded to his offering.  

About an hour after discussing our options with him we walked out of the appointment with 5 options to think about.  

1). Try naturally ( waste of our time according to him)

2). Try naturally with the help of clomid ( waste of our time according to him)

3). Try natural with the help of the shots to make me super ovulate ( follistim, menopur, etc.). If we go this route in my opinion you might as well do ivf with pgd

4). Ivf with pgd again 

5).  Donor egg ivf

So now we sit here and ponder what to do.  Dr. Miller is concerned that if I continue to try naturally and continue to miscarry that I am at high risk for scarring my uterus which will then NEVER allow me to get pregnant and hold a pregnancy long enough to have a viable pregnancy.  Tough words to hear but all valid points.

It's been a rough few days.  Lots of tears.  Lots of anger.  Lots of questions.  I went back to one of the ivf blogs I follow and re-read one of her posts.  In a world of so many questions I have to say that I found comfort in this woman's very first blog post...

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

author unknown

So as we decide on what our "next step" will be, I have to thank god for making us better people and for making us stronger than we ever could have imagined.  I ask that if you believe in him, please pray for strength for Matt and I as we make a tough decision of whether or not to pursue a long journey of continuing to try for our own biological children or accepting a new journey and new opportunity to become parents through a wonderful donor.   

Always someone else

Last Friday was a hard day for me.  While at work I was talking with my friend/co-worker ( also the nurse that was supposed to replace me after I had baby M in 2014) about drinking coffee and cutting back and how hard it is.  She said she had cut back completely from drinking three cups a day.  Not even thinking I would hear the dreaded answer I hate, I asked if she and her husband were going to try to have kids soon like we had talked about.  

She kind of stopped and paused and looked at me and said " can I tell you something."  Well needless to say I didn't have to hear anymore... My eyes teared up when she told me and I kindly congratulated her on her pregnancy.

Now I've recently had quite a few friends, friends of friends, relatives, and Matt's close friends have babies and I can honestly say while it's not always easy to hear it hasn't been as hard as hearing that my co-worker is pregnant.

I think most of my sadness and jealousy stems from when she started working with me.... Right after I lost the baby.  We had already had this conversation that she would probably be pregnant and have a baby before me but it still hurt knowing that, that was actually true.  For once in my life I wish my pessimistic attitude would be wrong.  I think also one of the hardest things is knowing that I will have to work side by side with her every day at work watching her stomach grow and her body nurture a growing baby, something I long for so bad.  

Some things I can handle and move right on past and somethings I just cannot.  This one definitely was like a knife to my stomach and another reminder of just how hard infertility can be.  I pray that one day i will be able to get over feelings like I have when people around me tell me they are pregnant.  Only until I complete my family will I ever get over that hurdle though.  

On a positive note.  Matt and I have started our "natural " method of trying to concieve and I gotta say it's much better than having an ultrasound probe shoved up your lady parts trying to get you pregnant at the right time!  Matt seems to be enjoying the "non in vitro route" as well!  

Some things come full circle

Well I got my results back from the embryologist... Exactly what I had suspected.  A big fat ZERO!  No normal embryos to implant.  No perfect little twin miracles I was secretly hoping for.  

It's funny how things work out sometimes.  I continue to ask god why he has put Matt and I through so many struggles.  I keep wondering when it will be our turn to introduce one of our own beautiful children to the world.  I keep thinking that he has given me/us this struggle to let go of the things in life that we cannot control.

I find myself always trying to control or have things just the way I want it.  A little too much type A personality even though to some I appear relaxed.  It's more of a personal quiet battle, one my husband knows all to well.

It makes me laugh a little, cry a lot, and pout even more thinking that maybe this is gods way of once again showing me to relax , let go, and quit trying to control or "create" a perfect child.  I'm now questioning whether or not we jumped the gun a little and instead of trying to control and fix my genetic problem I should have just continued to try naturally like most normal human beings and let god lead the way and provide me with a child... 

Oh well a little too late for that.  So now we are back to square one.  Right where we started 2.5 years ago.  It's a little exciting to once again enjoy and not fear having sex with my husband.  Unfortunately once we committed to the genetic testing part of in vitro it put a HUGE damper on the ole sex life... Poor Matt !  Poor me!  But now we are back and ready to give it another try.  After all that is where babies SHOULD come from right?

So I probably won't have much to say on my blog.  I mean it's pretty simple... Have sex, wait, miss period, take pregnancy test, and hope for one that sticks!!!!  Easier said than done however.  Hopefully I won't have too many miscarriages and my mind and body are able to support our decision to try again naturally.  

So yet again we start another adventure.  This one is just a little scarier than my other one.  It's simply in gods hands and not my own.  I cannot control my destiny but hopefully our decision will bring home a little bundle of joy.

Waiting impatiently

The worst part about trying to "get pregnant" via in vitro and all of the extra little steps I have to get through is the whole waiting process.

Monday was my 2 week wait and I was hoping to hear back regarding those 4 little embryos.... Normal or unbalanced and no good for implantation.  The odds are not in our favor but just that little bit of hope inside me is still clinging on and hoping for at least one ( and desperately for 2).

So I just in the mean time am sitting and waiting.  I started my estrogen pills and am going through my trial cycle for the receptivity biopsy to see what day would be best to implant.  I figured I would proceed with this rather than wasting time, which I cannot stand more than anything.

Stay tuned....

Monster in the Garage

Life in the world of infertility is not always as "easy" as I make it sound.  Yes I am strong, yes I keep pushing on, but some times i struggle and crumble inside.  

Two Sundays ago we found out that we had four embryos with the possibility of two more maybe making it.  I was a little disappointed we didn't have more but figured that was probably about right since we only had 12 embryos that had made it.  Fast forward to the next day and while trying to pull out of our garage my hormones got the best of me and I literally turned into a monster.  

Matt stayed home from work because we had a bad snow storm and was watching me angrily pull out of the garage.  HE had pulled too close to the side so I had to pull the Austen powers back and forth back and forth move to maneuver my way out.  Well needless to say words were exchanged that neither of us could hear ( he was standing in the doorway  and I was in the car).  I finally resorted to flipping him the bird, shutting the garage, and pulling away.  On my drive about 15 minutes later he called my cell phone and asked me if I was ok and we laughed... Silly me it must have been my raging hormones.  

I got the confirmation call later that morning that only 4 had made it.  Anger from earlier turned into sadness and tears and I felt like all day I had a frog in my throat choking back a tear here and there.  I took a few seconds for myself at work and came to the conclusion I didn't want to go through another round of in vitro and Matt and I needed a serious chat.  

We sat down Monday night and both expressed what we were feeling. Anger, sadness, disappointment... We decided that instead of batching this cycle with another we were just going to test the 4 embryos and wait and see if we have any embryos.  

We decided that while waiting, instead of wasting time, I would start my trial cycle again to determine the best and most appropriate day to implant an embryo and see how things shake out.  And if no embryos make it this round it's back to baby making the natural way.  One of matts friends inappropriately calls it "fucking season!"  Although we would love a baby either way Matt was a little more excited for  the possibility of "f***ing " season than another round of in vitro!  

So I have an appointment tomorrow for blood and an ultrasound to get the hopefully go ahead to start pills and then more shots again while we wait for the dreaded call... We shall see how many embryos come out of this batch but if I had to go with my gut it would be a big fat ZERO.  One can only hope right....