It's funny how life seems so perfect right now. I've been married for almost 8 years to my high school sweetheart, I have the privilege to stay at home with two beautiful babies, I have the flexibility to work from home and continue my passion for nursing, and I have two beautiful miracle babies yet I still have a very large hole in my heart that seems to grow when someone close to me goes through something similar.
A few weeks ago one of my good friends texted asking that I pray for her sister who was heavily bleeding and only 21.5 weeks pregnant. Fast forward about 1 week later she gave birth early to a sweet baby girl, Jane, just shy of 23 weeks. Her story is a little different.. Jane was big enough to live for 6 beautiful days but unfortunately just too premature to make it. While I didn't personally know this girl I know her sister. And with a heavy heart I prayed hard that she would end up with a miracle story and that their family would not experience the heartache that ours went through. A sad ending for her made me sad for her and sad for myself.
I feel like at times I have a little PTSD. I went through a traumatic experience giving birth to a baby that never went home with me. While I have suppressed many of my emotions every now and then they get the best of me and the tears just start flowing. I still yearn to hold and watch Collin. I dream of watching him meet his monthly milestones and develop into a witty little boy. While my dreams will never be a reality I know that some day in heaven we will meet again.
I don't talk about it often anymore. I blog about it every now and then and shed tears on the phone with my mom, on Matt's shoulder, or quietly to myself. Even after 3.5 years it still hurts just as much as it did before. Sometimes I cry holding Emma and Maddie and they look at me like "mom why are you crying. Don't be sad". I usually wipe my tears on their cheek and squeeze and hold them tight because I know just how precious they are and how precious life is.
The girls are almost one and while it's been the best year of my life I still hav days that I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry and sleep the day away. If only I could turn back the clock. I just keep reminding myself how much our journey has taught me and some days I just wish I would b lucky enough to say I that we never exprienced any of this.
