New Contract is Signed

Part of the annoying process of having to pick a new donor means that we have to go through all of the same steps over again.  Not all of them but some of them.  We finally had our consultation with our lawyer on Monday to sign the agency agreement with our agency again.  Thankfully since we are using the same agency again we do not lose the money that have already paid to them.  We really lucked out because some agencies still make you pay a small fee or the whole fee.

It's amazing all of the little steps you have to go through to become a "mom" and "dad" to a donor egg.  It's a lot of unknowns, waiting, and making sure you dot your i's and cross your t's.  Much like the adoption process you have to have legal representation so that all avenues are hopefully covered.  Donor Egg adoption is still relatively new to the infertility world so the laws surrounding the process are still State dependent and not quite as sound as I would like to see them.  Thankfully we live in a state (Thank you Jesus, once again I am thankful we live where we do) where we actually have laws and documents outlying the parental rights of an embryo made from a donor egg and the biological dads sperm.

This is part of the IVF process that is new to me and makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  I know hundreds of kids are born this way but just like I would think the same thing if we ever adopted a baby, it still crosses my mind... "What if the "mom" tries to take the baby back?"

Anyway I have to stop stressing about the little things.  Even my acupuncturist  told me that yesterday!  I told Matt that she said I need to chill out and he said she's right on target.  I think its innate and my true self is just a little bit of an anxious person.  I'm working on that trying to calm myself down but without being able to run my 10+ miles per day it's a little hard to do at times.  I just keep thinking positive thoughts, am trying to enjoy life, and keep looking forward to the next step to get these babies home to our house some day!  I keep trying to motivate myself that this is all worth it.  Sometimes I have to do this to keep going...
 
                                                   

6 years and counting!

This year more than ever I realize that I am really lucky to have a beautiful sound marriage. A few of my close girlfriends marriages fell apart this year and more than ever made me realize I never should take my marriage for granted, especially everything we continue to go through.

 Infertility is such a stressful thing to go through and can really be taxing on a marriage. Most people I talk with that I haven't talked with for a while always ask after I finish catching them up in my baby drama... and how are you and Matt? I can honestly say we are great and Through the whole process I have never once questioned my marriage but there have been plenty of days and nights where I think to my self... This really sucks.

Matt and I always spend our Anniversary reminiscing about the past year.  It has allowed us to reflect on how we've grown as a couple and look back to all of the good things that have happened to us over the year.  We also spend time reminiscing about the good, bad, ugly, happy, funny, embarrassing, weird, and sad moments of the year.  And man have we had a lot of ups and downs yet again.

I asked Matt, through his whole process, has he ever looked at me and questioned us.  What we have gone through, has he asked himself is this worth it?  Will our marriage fall apart?  Are we ok?  

His answer... Raw, a little hard to hear, but honest and totally appropriate.  He answered that no he doesn't think we will ever fall a part because through this whole journey we have fallen more in love with each other but that the past years have definitely been a challenge and not always the most fun.

I agree.  We've been a little more distant with our friends (sorry for that if you are reading this). And a lot more boring!  I constantly struggle with .... Well should we do this? Should we go out? No I don't want to spend the money.... we have ivf coming up.... nah let's pass.... I don't want to go out because I don't want to drink.  In a nutshell I am REALLY GOOD AT MAKING EXCUSES.  I hate that feeling because Matt and I love to spend time with friends and going out but it's constantly a battle of eh maybe next time!!!

So what did we do to celebrate??? We went out with a bang!   I mean a full day!! We celebrated from sun up until sun down.  Not really but it felt like it.   It's not even that big of a deal but when most of our time is spent entertaining ourselves at home or going out a handful of times here and there with friends it makes going out on dates just that much more special. 

So here's a recap of Matt and Jenn's Naperville adventure celebrating 6 years of wedding bliss!  

First Matt got me a new roof for our Anniversary the Wednesday before!  What a guy right?  I know ladies... Be jealous!  Be very jealous!!

                          

Then we celebrated by going to the naperville farmers market to get fresh pastries and berries.  I got an amazing strawberry scone and Matt got a yummy brioche toast/bread thing with orange and almond past and shredded almonds.  We then walked along the naperville river walk and parked our butt for a picnic breakfast with pastries and fresh blackberries.  We then hit a cute local chocolate shop called Le Chocolat De Bouchard and had a delectable Carmel latte.

                                               

After we finished our treats we drove to a local park called Morton Arboretum and rented a tandem bike and peddled 16 miles enjoying each others laughter, beautiful scenery, and our competitive nature to "push hard" to get up those dang hills.  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time but tandem biking really adds a lot to a date day.  I literally almost peed my pants it was so funny.

After our date at the Morton Arboretum we headed home for a bit, rested, and cleaned up to head back to downtown Naperville for a little wine tasting at Devine Celler and had dinner at Meson Sabika.  It's a cute little tapas place that we had been to in the winter but this time we got to sit outside on there patio.  We finished the night by a surprise glass of champagne the waiter brought to us ( I had reserved a table a few weeks prior and noted it was our anniversary).

                

                                                       

Lastly one more glass of wine at home, a little dessert, and a cute little card for each other.  Matt and I don't do gifts for our anniversary for each other.  We have taken some advice from others an albeit boring get practical gifts for each other like roofs, a new bed, a trip, etc..

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Failing Timeline

I don't know why I get so caught up on age and numbers but in a few months, the beginning of October to be exact, it will be 3 years since Matt and I started trying for a family.  

I don't know if I can really comprehend how long three years really is but sometimes it feels like an eternity and sometimes it feels like I have closed my eyes and the past couple of years have flashed by me.  I do know, when I try to quantify the time that we have been trying, I truly am amazed I'm still standing.

3 years... The time it took me to complete middle school, the time you go from being a freshman to a senior in college.  How old my youngest niece is on my side of the family.  It's crazy! 

Most people tell me to be thankful I am young and that we started early.  I am thankful for that but it still doesn't take the pain away knowing that we've been trying for so long with no success.  I had a little plan in my head... A plan of when I would get married (check, that happened earlier than I had planned) and a plan of when I would have kids (by the age of 27 or 28).  And guess what... I'm approaching 29 in 4 months with no kid.  

For a type A control freak you have no idea how hard that is.  I've shared this with some of my girlfriends before.  Infertility is hard because you try and try and try and sometimes you feel like you fall down again and again and sometimes you feel like you finally got it, you've finally reached success.  It's like studying as hard as you can for a test and failing over and over and over again.  I've always had success.  Good grades, somewhat athletic, good job, etc.  So I never had really felt what it feels like to fail.  Well let me tell you, it sucks.  

I'm hoping that the time comes soon, that I will be on the road to success again but until then it's hard to really feel excited and happy again that we are doing in vitro because I've been burned so many times.

On a positive note I just found out this week that the family who used our baby mama about a month ago had a positive pregnancy test.  So hallelujah I do have a little twinkle of hope to hang on to.  I know she's fertile and now I know her eggs work.  So again I am just in the holding pattern until hopefully the middle of October.

I'm trying to make the best of my time waiting to start in vitro again but man is it hard.  Matt and I have actually been super busy lately and have a lot of fun plans coming up the next few weeks. I do keep wishing and wishing that time would speed up and it would be October before I know it.

Anyways I thought I would just share a little about what's on my mind.

Oh and yes one more thing can I add that it's been quite the week of Why her and not me.... Adding to the pregnancy list 2 more coworkers! Ouch!  That brings the grand total to 6 out of like 35 co-workers.  And my sister-in-law.  Some of these I'm totally fine with (the ones married, wanting kids, trying for a second a.k.a my sister-in-law and the doctor I work with) but it kills me when the one girl I found out about tells me after I ask her if she's excited "ehh not really.  I'm too selfish of a person.  My boobs hurt, I miss my wine, and I'm miserable."  Oh lord, again I about lost it!!!  

Oh well, it's the nature of life...  People will always have kids around us, people will be getting pregnant, I just have to stop letting it affect me so much.  Easier said than done though right?  On a funny note I told me accupuncture lady I was sad and it was because everyone around me was knocked up and I wasn't.  You know what the lady told me.  With her cute Asian accent " oh Jenn dis is good.  Dis mean good thing happen for you soon.  In Chinese culture Babies and pregnancy bring good luck!  In China if you have problem getting pregnant you bring pregnant friend over and have her stay with you for few days because it bring good energy..."  Oh Jing I hope you're right!!!!

Another baby mama

Good news everybody!!  We have ourselves another baby mama!  I'm feeling real good about her and our upcoming donor ivf process starting most likely in October.

I hate being jealous of people but man oh man is this chick fertile!  She's got great stats from her previous donor cycles which is why we went ahead and selected her!  

She just finished up a donor cycle last weekend and she had 37 eggs, 26 mature, 17 fertilized, and the couple just implanted 1 excellent embryo on Thursday.

So yes weird that our future children will potentially have siblings (well half) out there that they may never meet but if her eggs give us a new hope and chance to build a family then we are all for it!!

Of course I'm feeling a little emotionally high right now.  Of course just as you all are realizing the "road less traveled" is filled with lots of ups and downs.

I'm hoping that things won't take too long to get things going and hopefully we will be implanting in October!  

I'm just waiting to talk with Dr. Miller's nurse on Monday to see how soon we can get things going.  As long as she has all of the pre-testing done we will just need to wait for her to get 2 periods which will hypothetically take about 6 weeks.  Normally after an egg retrieval you get a period 2 weeks later and then she will need one more after that!  

Onward we go!  Oh and by the way for those that have the "feeling" maybe just maybe I'm going to have twins, I had a dream I got pregnant with triplets!! Yikes let's hope that doesn't happen because I do not think my body or hips are made for that many babies!!

Stay tuned once again!!

Church and Facebook

It's amazing how so many times in my life I have asked for an answer or prayed for a miracle to happen yet neither thing has ever happened.  Matt and I have been going to church more and have really fell in love with Naperville Presbyterian Church.  The pastor is AMAZING and the people are even better!

Today at church I couldn't have asked for a better message or sign from God.  Our pastor preached about Matthew chapter 7 verse 7-11.   The message was about "ask and it will be given."  Which our pastor preached about how so many times in our life we ask for something yet we don't get the answer we had hoped for.  He preached that in the bible if we continue to ask, are persistent, and come with open arms that one day it will all work out.  He preached that one day that whatever you are asking and praying for and all of the hardship that you have to go through will pay off because one day with clarity it will all make sense.

So later while on Facebook I came across a poem that one of my fellow Balanced Translocation buddies (I belong to a little support group on Facebook) had posted and it really connected my prayer for a child and the message from church.  Here it is.....

So I am going to take this as a positive sign in my life.  That all of this is happening for a reason and that one day our house will be filled with lots of tears from beautiful little babies and not my own!