Some things come full circle

Well I got my results back from the embryologist... Exactly what I had suspected.  A big fat ZERO!  No normal embryos to implant.  No perfect little twin miracles I was secretly hoping for.  

It's funny how things work out sometimes.  I continue to ask god why he has put Matt and I through so many struggles.  I keep wondering when it will be our turn to introduce one of our own beautiful children to the world.  I keep thinking that he has given me/us this struggle to let go of the things in life that we cannot control.

I find myself always trying to control or have things just the way I want it.  A little too much type A personality even though to some I appear relaxed.  It's more of a personal quiet battle, one my husband knows all to well.

It makes me laugh a little, cry a lot, and pout even more thinking that maybe this is gods way of once again showing me to relax , let go, and quit trying to control or "create" a perfect child.  I'm now questioning whether or not we jumped the gun a little and instead of trying to control and fix my genetic problem I should have just continued to try naturally like most normal human beings and let god lead the way and provide me with a child... 

Oh well a little too late for that.  So now we are back to square one.  Right where we started 2.5 years ago.  It's a little exciting to once again enjoy and not fear having sex with my husband.  Unfortunately once we committed to the genetic testing part of in vitro it put a HUGE damper on the ole sex life... Poor Matt !  Poor me!  But now we are back and ready to give it another try.  After all that is where babies SHOULD come from right?

So I probably won't have much to say on my blog.  I mean it's pretty simple... Have sex, wait, miss period, take pregnancy test, and hope for one that sticks!!!!  Easier said than done however.  Hopefully I won't have too many miscarriages and my mind and body are able to support our decision to try again naturally.  

So yet again we start another adventure.  This one is just a little scarier than my other one.  It's simply in gods hands and not my own.  I cannot control my destiny but hopefully our decision will bring home a little bundle of joy.

Waiting impatiently

The worst part about trying to "get pregnant" via in vitro and all of the extra little steps I have to get through is the whole waiting process.

Monday was my 2 week wait and I was hoping to hear back regarding those 4 little embryos.... Normal or unbalanced and no good for implantation.  The odds are not in our favor but just that little bit of hope inside me is still clinging on and hoping for at least one ( and desperately for 2).

So I just in the mean time am sitting and waiting.  I started my estrogen pills and am going through my trial cycle for the receptivity biopsy to see what day would be best to implant.  I figured I would proceed with this rather than wasting time, which I cannot stand more than anything.

Stay tuned....

Monster in the Garage

Life in the world of infertility is not always as "easy" as I make it sound.  Yes I am strong, yes I keep pushing on, but some times i struggle and crumble inside.  

Two Sundays ago we found out that we had four embryos with the possibility of two more maybe making it.  I was a little disappointed we didn't have more but figured that was probably about right since we only had 12 embryos that had made it.  Fast forward to the next day and while trying to pull out of our garage my hormones got the best of me and I literally turned into a monster.  

Matt stayed home from work because we had a bad snow storm and was watching me angrily pull out of the garage.  HE had pulled too close to the side so I had to pull the Austen powers back and forth back and forth move to maneuver my way out.  Well needless to say words were exchanged that neither of us could hear ( he was standing in the doorway  and I was in the car).  I finally resorted to flipping him the bird, shutting the garage, and pulling away.  On my drive about 15 minutes later he called my cell phone and asked me if I was ok and we laughed... Silly me it must have been my raging hormones.  

I got the confirmation call later that morning that only 4 had made it.  Anger from earlier turned into sadness and tears and I felt like all day I had a frog in my throat choking back a tear here and there.  I took a few seconds for myself at work and came to the conclusion I didn't want to go through another round of in vitro and Matt and I needed a serious chat.  

We sat down Monday night and both expressed what we were feeling. Anger, sadness, disappointment... We decided that instead of batching this cycle with another we were just going to test the 4 embryos and wait and see if we have any embryos.  

We decided that while waiting, instead of wasting time, I would start my trial cycle again to determine the best and most appropriate day to implant an embryo and see how things shake out.  And if no embryos make it this round it's back to baby making the natural way.  One of matts friends inappropriately calls it "fucking season!"  Although we would love a baby either way Matt was a little more excited for  the possibility of "f***ing " season than another round of in vitro!  

So I have an appointment tomorrow for blood and an ultrasound to get the hopefully go ahead to start pills and then more shots again while we wait for the dreaded call... We shall see how many embryos come out of this batch but if I had to go with my gut it would be a big fat ZERO.  One can only hope right....