2 babies and a gravestone

Today was a big milestone in the healing department for Matt and I.  We finally got enough courage to go to the monument store and order a small gravestone for Collin.  Nothing fancy but a flat rectangular stone with his full name  Collin Thomas Medema and date of birth / death November 21, 2013.  

We were going to leave the girls with my mom but decided to bring them along.  So in walked a 29 year old, a 30 year old, and 2 four month old babies to pick out a gravestone.  Quite a weird experience and something I never ever planned on doing for a child.  They had a nice selection and in the spring once all the snow has melted we finally will have a nice little marker.

I am so happy that Matt and I decided to have a proper burial for Collin.  Since he was so small / young we had the option to send his remains to a cemetery in Chicago in an area designated as "baby land" where they put the babies ashes of infants that have died and the parents don't really want to have a plot or know what to do with he body and/or ashes.  So you know that the baby is buried in the cemetery but you never truly know where.

I remember thinking at the time that I would wait a very long time before I got the courage to go to the cemetery.  I've gotten that courage a little sooner than I thought and am so thankful that I have a place to remember him.  

After we went to the store Matt and I drove around with two sleeping babies in the back of the car and went and drove by the beach.  Such a peaceful place.  A place that I find so much serenity in.  I wish I could have stayed there longer. 

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Sweet sweet Collin would have been 3 years old today.  Matt, Maddie, Emma, 

and I celebrated his birthday by bringing  balloons to his grave while we both laughed and cried.  

God has a way of shining his light in my life and his timing always seem to be so impeccable.  As we pulled up to the cemetery the sky was grey and gloomy but i couldn't help but notice as we stepped out of the car the biggest ray of sunshine shined down through the clouds.  It's like God was telling us everything's ok even though I just want to crumble and fall apart every time I go to the cemetery.  And secondly I happen to glance at the clock as we got there to see what time it was and it was 2:22 which 22 has always been my and Matt's favorite number.  Maybe it was nothing but I think it was a message from God saying "we're all good up here.. Thanks for checking in on us 😉"

We don't visit often but the few times we have make it seem so much more real that we could have had a son.  Time will still go on, but today is a day I wish I could wrap my arms around a precious rambunctious 3 year old boy rather than hold on tight crying to my loving husband. 

2 babies and an empty heart

I always feel so sad as we approach the "birthday" of Collin.  It's hard to believe it will be three years next week where my whole life changed forever.  This is the first year I will be celebrating his birthday in my heart as a mom.  I thought perhaps this year would be different, a little easier, but even with the birth of two beautiful baby girls the pain and sadness are still there.  

No I don't cry every day and I no longer think about him as often as I used to but the anniversary of his birth and death will forever haunt me.  I think about how much life there was to live and it makes me so sad.  To think that I never got to see him smile, laugh, walk, grow up.  

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about life with him in it.  I'm sure he'd be just as funny as his dad.  And our house would be a whole lot louder.  Hard to beat some days with the girls but I'm sure he would have had the most contagious laugh.  One day I'll see him again.  Until then I'll live for him and daydream what life would have been like.

Matt and I finally got the courage and have the time to get him a little headstone for where we buried his ashes.  We hopefully will do this when we are home for Thanksgiving. 

Good Napper Bad Napper

I guess you take the good with the bad.  Maddie continues to sleep through the night but is a terrible napper.  Emma takes great naps but continues to wake 1 time to feed during the night.  

So what do I do now.  Emma goes down for her two naps no problem.  I breast feed both of them to sleep or at least to a drowsy state and put them in their cribs to nap.  Emma might stir and within a few minutes she is out.  Maddie on the other hand.... oh my my.  She may nap great (praise God for those days) for a solid two hours.  If she is having a bad napping day she will continue to cry or fuss until I hold her which also entails me whipping out my boob to comfort nurse her back to sleep and then she will sleep great in my arms.  

Sometimes I can lay her back down to sleep in her own crib and then other times no way.  I've tried the cry it out method... 5 minutes, 10, 20, etc.  

The longer I make her go the more mad she gets.  So for now I am embracing the needy baby as a way to slow down in life and enjoy this season as a mother.  To love her, nurture her, and hold and rock her to sleep.  The other part of me is thinking oh holy cow you idiot.  You're creating a napping nightmare !!  She will nap fine in the car or in the stroller so I guess I'll take the good with the bad for now.  

The problem with this... I NEVER get anything done.  The house always feels like a disaster or tornado has gone off.  

Oh well, the dishes can wait.  The laundry can build up.  This is why people say the first year of twins is So hard and on some days I totally get it and other days I think it is a piece of cake.

Maddie attempting to sleep on the couch 

Emma because she is just so darn cute