April Fools

Last year April fools ( April 1, 2014) was supposed to ( or at least close to it) bring me so much joy.  That was my official due date with Collin.... Except I obviously never got there.  Days like tomorrow are always hard.  It's a milestone I look at that I will never cross.  What could have been my babies first birthday now is just a silly day where plenty of people play dirty little tricks on each other and has no meaning to me other than another sad day in the books.

Sometimes I think I have too many sad days... Certain days in my life are filled  with memories of miscarriage, heartache, and a whole lot of pain.  One day I know I will be beyond blessed with a beautiful family but until then I will live through my hard days hoping that one day they will begin to turn into better days.  

 We are still working on and thinking on the idea of whether we pursue an egg donor, continue with ivf as we have been, or try naturally again.  I know that no matter what Matt and I decide we won't have any regrets if/when it brings us a child but it just is so hard to make sure we are making the right decision. 

I'm not sure there is a right decision, just a decision to follow my heart.  Matt and I are going to be going on a road trip.  We haven't spent a whole lot of time together talking about our next plan because quite frankly Matt has been just way too busy.  I'm hoping that a nice 10+ hours in the car will allow us to talk and discuss our feelings and maybe make a decision. 

Disappointing News

                        

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Miller to discuss what he thought would be the next best option for us.  Needless to say Matt and I walked into the appointment completely blind sided from what he had to say to us.

Dr. Miller walked into our appointment looked us in the eye and said "Unfortunately I can't change genetics, and unfortunately genetics is your biggest problem.  4 rounds of in vitro and no embryos to implant I think your next best option to help you get the family you want would be to consider a donor egg."  

Excuse me?  Did you just say donor egg?  The thing they offer to women that are usually double my age?  No, not me, I'm only 28!  You must have meant to say that to someone else. 

Unfortunately he did.  And just like someone punched me in the stomach and it hurt enough to make me cry, I tearfully responded to his offering.  

About an hour after discussing our options with him we walked out of the appointment with 5 options to think about.  

1). Try naturally ( waste of our time according to him)

2). Try naturally with the help of clomid ( waste of our time according to him)

3). Try natural with the help of the shots to make me super ovulate ( follistim, menopur, etc.). If we go this route in my opinion you might as well do ivf with pgd

4). Ivf with pgd again 

5).  Donor egg ivf

So now we sit here and ponder what to do.  Dr. Miller is concerned that if I continue to try naturally and continue to miscarry that I am at high risk for scarring my uterus which will then NEVER allow me to get pregnant and hold a pregnancy long enough to have a viable pregnancy.  Tough words to hear but all valid points.

It's been a rough few days.  Lots of tears.  Lots of anger.  Lots of questions.  I went back to one of the ivf blogs I follow and re-read one of her posts.  In a world of so many questions I have to say that I found comfort in this woman's very first blog post...

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

author unknown

So as we decide on what our "next step" will be, I have to thank god for making us better people and for making us stronger than we ever could have imagined.  I ask that if you believe in him, please pray for strength for Matt and I as we make a tough decision of whether or not to pursue a long journey of continuing to try for our own biological children or accepting a new journey and new opportunity to become parents through a wonderful donor.   

Always someone else

Last Friday was a hard day for me.  While at work I was talking with my friend/co-worker ( also the nurse that was supposed to replace me after I had baby M in 2014) about drinking coffee and cutting back and how hard it is.  She said she had cut back completely from drinking three cups a day.  Not even thinking I would hear the dreaded answer I hate, I asked if she and her husband were going to try to have kids soon like we had talked about.  

She kind of stopped and paused and looked at me and said " can I tell you something."  Well needless to say I didn't have to hear anymore... My eyes teared up when she told me and I kindly congratulated her on her pregnancy.

Now I've recently had quite a few friends, friends of friends, relatives, and Matt's close friends have babies and I can honestly say while it's not always easy to hear it hasn't been as hard as hearing that my co-worker is pregnant.

I think most of my sadness and jealousy stems from when she started working with me.... Right after I lost the baby.  We had already had this conversation that she would probably be pregnant and have a baby before me but it still hurt knowing that, that was actually true.  For once in my life I wish my pessimistic attitude would be wrong.  I think also one of the hardest things is knowing that I will have to work side by side with her every day at work watching her stomach grow and her body nurture a growing baby, something I long for so bad.  

Some things I can handle and move right on past and somethings I just cannot.  This one definitely was like a knife to my stomach and another reminder of just how hard infertility can be.  I pray that one day i will be able to get over feelings like I have when people around me tell me they are pregnant.  Only until I complete my family will I ever get over that hurdle though.  

On a positive note.  Matt and I have started our "natural " method of trying to concieve and I gotta say it's much better than having an ultrasound probe shoved up your lady parts trying to get you pregnant at the right time!  Matt seems to be enjoying the "non in vitro route" as well!