I'll be home for Christmas

What a great Christmas season we had.  It's been a few years since I truly have enjoyed the holiday season. 3 years ago we spent Christmas burying our little baby.  This year we spent two long weekends celebrating with both of our families.  Just like a little kid on Christmas Eve, excitedly waiting for Santa, I felt so much joy because I truly got the best gift this year.  Here are a few pictures from our celebration! 

  Merry Christmas to me !! I got a double running stroller !! 

Partial thyroidectomy

Quick update.  I met with an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor yesterday.  While he told me I needed surgery to remove half my thyroid and the cystic like growth he did say with his best guess he does not think it's cancer. 

So not what a mom of twins wants but I'm going to do what is right for my body.  I'm not going to have it biopsied until I am in surgery.  Since it is so big 4-5 cm. he suggested it be removed.  So in 3-4 weeks I'll be having surgery

  Sadly or maybe it's just the natural motherly feelings...  The only thing I'm truly sad about is having to spend the night in the hospital and be without my babies. 

Pump and Dump

This weekend I finally caved and got myself to an urgent care for a never ending cold.  I would've probably just sucked it up but I noticed a lump on my neck that I had never seen before.  

To make a long story short antibiotics for a sinus infection and bronchitis and a CT scan later, I have a very large thyroid nodule. I had to get iv contrast for the CT so I had to pump and dump.  One of the worst feelings is when you work so hard for milk only to throw it down the drain.  

  In the interest of my babies I had to though so their went oz. upon oz. of milk for 24 hours. 

Fast forward to yesterday I saw my primary care doctor yesterday and had an ultrasound done.  It confirmed I have a 2 inch cystic nodule on my thyroid and need a biopsy done to rule out cancer.  I'm trying not to freak out but as you can only imagine a new mommy to twin girls my life has literally flashed before my eyes. I have an appointment today to see an ENT doctor and I'll go from there.  Happy 30th birthday to me.  So please pray for us!  Always an adventure!  

Once again my body proves to be damaged goods.  Poor Matt.  

Messy Bessy

Look who started eating solids last week.  I wouldn't quite call it eating but we've graduated to the next step of eating and introduced oatmeal cereal to the girls.  It's a slow process with two and they are not quite sure about it.  Emma seems to like it a little more than her sister Maddie. 

Here's Maddie looking at me like... Really mom.  You're going to stick that thing in my mouth again. 

And here is Miss Emma.  Thinking that she kind of likes it.  

Sleepy time

Weekends are for resting right?  Can't beat two sleepy babies nestled in momma's legs and right next to momma'

Nap times are a bit tougher these days.  So I take what I can get sometimes. 

Busy Busy

What a whirlwind life seems to be these days.  We enjoyed a nice week home for the Thanksgiving Holidays.  A bit hectic and chaotic because we stayed at my parents house and went back and forth between their house and my in-laws.  A bit different with two in tow.  Poor Matt was like a donkey with a backpack walking up a mountain.  Pack and in pack pack and unpack.  And if you know me... I don't travel lightly.  I'm a "I need this just in case girl".   But all in all it was nice to see everyone... Cousins, friends, family, grandparents, etc.... 

We even had a family photo shoot.  Here is our latest family pic. 

 I cannot believe the girls are 4.5 months!!! Where has the time gone. 

Anyway this week I've been frantically trying to whip our house into shape.  Getting everything decorated, house cleaned, and food prepped for a Christmas Party Matt and I are hosting tonight.  A little harder to get things pulled together but I think I may actually pull this one off.  Please pray I do.  We are doing well over here.  We will be traveling home to the Mitten again for Christmas so if you want to see us let me know!!!

So happy to be able to hang more than two stockings his year.  I've waited a long time!!!  

2 babies and a gravestone

Today was a big milestone in the healing department for Matt and I.  We finally got enough courage to go to the monument store and order a small gravestone for Collin.  Nothing fancy but a flat rectangular stone with his full name  Collin Thomas Medema and date of birth / death November 21, 2013.  

We were going to leave the girls with my mom but decided to bring them along.  So in walked a 29 year old, a 30 year old, and 2 four month old babies to pick out a gravestone.  Quite a weird experience and something I never ever planned on doing for a child.  They had a nice selection and in the spring once all the snow has melted we finally will have a nice little marker.

I am so happy that Matt and I decided to have a proper burial for Collin.  Since he was so small / young we had the option to send his remains to a cemetery in Chicago in an area designated as "baby land" where they put the babies ashes of infants that have died and the parents don't really want to have a plot or know what to do with he body and/or ashes.  So you know that the baby is buried in the cemetery but you never truly know where.

I remember thinking at the time that I would wait a very long time before I got the courage to go to the cemetery.  I've gotten that courage a little sooner than I thought and am so thankful that I have a place to remember him.  

After we went to the store Matt and I drove around with two sleeping babies in the back of the car and went and drove by the beach.  Such a peaceful place.  A place that I find so much serenity in.  I wish I could have stayed there longer. 

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Sweet sweet Collin would have been 3 years old today.  Matt, Maddie, Emma, 

and I celebrated his birthday by bringing  balloons to his grave while we both laughed and cried.  

God has a way of shining his light in my life and his timing always seem to be so impeccable.  As we pulled up to the cemetery the sky was grey and gloomy but i couldn't help but notice as we stepped out of the car the biggest ray of sunshine shined down through the clouds.  It's like God was telling us everything's ok even though I just want to crumble and fall apart every time I go to the cemetery.  And secondly I happen to glance at the clock as we got there to see what time it was and it was 2:22 which 22 has always been my and Matt's favorite number.  Maybe it was nothing but I think it was a message from God saying "we're all good up here.. Thanks for checking in on us 😉"

We don't visit often but the few times we have make it seem so much more real that we could have had a son.  Time will still go on, but today is a day I wish I could wrap my arms around a precious rambunctious 3 year old boy rather than hold on tight crying to my loving husband. 

2 babies and an empty heart

I always feel so sad as we approach the "birthday" of Collin.  It's hard to believe it will be three years next week where my whole life changed forever.  This is the first year I will be celebrating his birthday in my heart as a mom.  I thought perhaps this year would be different, a little easier, but even with the birth of two beautiful baby girls the pain and sadness are still there.  

No I don't cry every day and I no longer think about him as often as I used to but the anniversary of his birth and death will forever haunt me.  I think about how much life there was to live and it makes me so sad.  To think that I never got to see him smile, laugh, walk, grow up.  

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about life with him in it.  I'm sure he'd be just as funny as his dad.  And our house would be a whole lot louder.  Hard to beat some days with the girls but I'm sure he would have had the most contagious laugh.  One day I'll see him again.  Until then I'll live for him and daydream what life would have been like.

Matt and I finally got the courage and have the time to get him a little headstone for where we buried his ashes.  We hopefully will do this when we are home for Thanksgiving. 

Good Napper Bad Napper

I guess you take the good with the bad.  Maddie continues to sleep through the night but is a terrible napper.  Emma takes great naps but continues to wake 1 time to feed during the night.  

So what do I do now.  Emma goes down for her two naps no problem.  I breast feed both of them to sleep or at least to a drowsy state and put them in their cribs to nap.  Emma might stir and within a few minutes she is out.  Maddie on the other hand.... oh my my.  She may nap great (praise God for those days) for a solid two hours.  If she is having a bad napping day she will continue to cry or fuss until I hold her which also entails me whipping out my boob to comfort nurse her back to sleep and then she will sleep great in my arms.  

Sometimes I can lay her back down to sleep in her own crib and then other times no way.  I've tried the cry it out method... 5 minutes, 10, 20, etc.  

The longer I make her go the more mad she gets.  So for now I am embracing the needy baby as a way to slow down in life and enjoy this season as a mother.  To love her, nurture her, and hold and rock her to sleep.  The other part of me is thinking oh holy cow you idiot.  You're creating a napping nightmare !!  She will nap fine in the car or in the stroller so I guess I'll take the good with the bad for now.  

The problem with this... I NEVER get anything done.  The house always feels like a disaster or tornado has gone off.  

Oh well, the dishes can wait.  The laundry can build up.  This is why people say the first year of twins is So hard and on some days I totally get it and other days I think it is a piece of cake.

Maddie attempting to sleep on the couch 

Emma because she is just so darn cute

Pumpkin Patch

What do you get when you bring 3 month old twins to a pumpkin patch... 1/2 a dozen apple cider donuts, a few pictures, and a screaming baby or two!! 

Let's be serious I really only drug the family to Kellers Farm for the photo op!!  The girls have some cute pumpkin hats and we hadn't yet had a chance to snap a picture so we drove 20 minutes to a pumpkin patch.  

We went during nap time which was probably dumb but they slept on the way there. Once we got there we put them in the stroller rather than in the baby carriers.  Matt and I started our first pumpkin patch journey together by pounding 4 donuts and looked around like ok now what.  We decided we might get a better picture if we put the girls in the baby carriers.  So back to the car we went.  That's when the meltdown happened.  Emma screamed her guts out while Maddie sat quietly looking at her like really child it's not that bad.  

We snapped a few pictures and headed (as fast as we could back to the car).

Matt put Emba back in the car seat mean while she was screaming even louder.  She's usually my content baby so my mom instinct Ickes in and I thought hmm she's either hungry, overly tired, cold , or needs a diaper change.  

I opted for this diaper first and it's a good thing.  Because there was poop everywhere!! Up her back and nearly coming out her legs.  No wonder she hated the carrier ... I'd scream too if someone was trying to make me sit in my own shit.  So after I changed her, put her in her car seat, she was content as a clam !! 

Matt and I had a good laugh while we drove home. 

Baby Boot Camp

I finally did it!  3 months old and this momma got out of the house, showed up on time, and wanted to puke during her first post baby exercise class.  

Holy smokes am I out of shape!  I thought I was doing pretty good with getting my pre baby body back.  That was until I tried push ups, lunges, and running.  

So what is baby boot camp.  It's an exercise class for moms with stroller age children.  The twins were the youngest but it did also give me an excuse to get out of the house and socialize as well.  

1 hour of plyometrics, running, cardio and I was spent!  Literally sweating.  Funny thing is during the warm up I thought to myself well this is easy.  Embarrassingly easy, who would pay for a class like this.  By the end I thought to myself.... Shit no wonder why people pay someone to tell them what to do.  3 days later and I'm still sore.  

So needless to say I most likely will be continuing with the baby boot camp class.  It was an absolute blast! 

Post baby boot camp!!

Getting ready for class! 

Maddie doing her own form of exercise

3 months old

How in the world are they already three months is beyond me.  Although some times the days are long I feel like I just blinked and a quarter of their first year went by.  

They are definitely keeping me busy so hence why I am lacking on my blog updates.  Sometimes they nap together and sometimes they don't but my teeny tiny newborns are getting bigger and are much more awake and alert these days.  

So 3 months.  We went to the doctor last week and they were both 23 inches.  Maddie weighed 9.13 lbs and Emma weighed 9.10 lbs.  Emma is in the 1 percentile for weight and Maddie us in the 2 percentile for weight and they both are in the 27 percentile for height.  Although little they are meeting their milestones and gaining a pound and a tiny bit more just like they should each month.  

I'm finally starting to get the hang of being a mom to twins and figuring out how to time things so I can get out of the house, have happy full bellies babies, good nappers, and good night time sleepers.  

Although it is still a challenge to leave and get out of the house I am doing better and having less anxiety and the girls are screaming less.  

It's been fun to finally have babies that smile and coo and try to laugh when they think something is funny.  Matt loves it too.  Now we are just waiting for that  first giggle from both.  

All in all we are doing well just busy! 

Maddie

Emma

Emma 

Maddie

  

9 and 10 weeks old

       

My oh my have these little ones kept me busy lately.  In addition to taking care of them as a SAHM I have jumped on the working band wagon again and have been working 2-6ish hours a day to try and meet a work deadline.  Needless to say tending to these little lads doesn't give me a whole lot of time to work during the day so I've had some late nights and long days with only 3-4ish hours of sleep.

So hence why my 9 and 10 week updates are a little late.  As I reflect back on the past week I can't but think how lucky I am.  I'm not sure if it's still the raging hormones or my overwhelmingly greatfulness to have children but I had a moment.  A moment where I was so proud to be a mommy. A moment I will cherish forever and can't wait to have more mommy moments to come like that.  

I was upstairs playing on the play mat with the girls one morning.  Matt had just left for work and I was looking down at Maddie and Emma as they were both smiling and cooing at me.  It was the first time both babies had cooed together and it brought so much joy to my heart that I literally was moved to tears.  I don't cry too often anymore thinking about our long long journey but in that moment I wept because I could.  I wept because again all the pain and suffering was totally worth that moment.  To see two beautiful babies smiling and cooing confirmed why I or anyone would ever put your body, mind, and everything else through 3.5 years of multiple rounds of in vitro.  

I'm not the only one that struggles or is struggling with infertility or bare was but if you read my blog you might like what a fellow blogger posted that I read today.  I found it so fitting that I wanted to share.... So read on 

It's titled 

Why God Took So Long To Give Me A Baby

I was painting in the garage, and she was drawing a rainbow on the cement floor with chalk when she said, “I’m glad God gave me you to me as my Mommy.”

I wasn’t ready for it. “What?” I asked, making sure I heard her right. She tried to say it again, but her words came out a little more awkward this time, and she said something like, “I’m happy your’e my mommy from God.”

Tears filled my eyes.

Then she prayed, “God, thank you for giving my mommy to me. And thank you (I couldn’t understand this part.) And thank you, she makes me breakfast. And thank you we’re going to make pumpkin spagotti (biscotti). I hope it tastes good. Do you think it will taste good, God?”

Then she opened her eyes, and went back to drawing her chalk mural–while my eyes blurred with tears, and a huge lump came to my throat. Where did that come from?

She’s three…and I didn’t know her little heart could hold such gratitude. Or that it would just burst out of her, during this subtle moment in the garage. Or that she would thank God, outloud, for me, right then.

Usually, she doesn’t even want to pray out loud–even with me encouraging her.  But today she felt something inside her.

Something beautiful.

Her little heart can hold more love than I often know.

Her little mind…is not so little as I think it is. She thinks far beyond what I would expect.

“Thank you, Selah,” I said, smiling. “I’m so glad God gave me you as my daughter.”

I would have hugged her right then, if my hands didn’t have white paint on them, and if there wasn’t so much junk between us on the floor. The drawers I was painting, and an old wooden chair.

“Did you have to wait a long time for me Mom?” she asked. (I have told her the storymany times, but she wanted to hear it again.)

I stepped across the junk on the floor and came a little closer to her. “Yes,” I said. “I asked God for a baby over and over again. But He didn’t give me one for a long time.”

“And when me and Daddy found out you were in my tummy, we were so happy!” I told her.

“Do you know why God took so long to give you a baby?” she said.

“No, honey,” I said. “I don’t know.”

“I know why,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because…He was making me,” she said.

He was making me.

I looked into her deep blue eyes, that seemed to know something from another world, and her blonde tossled hair russled in the breeze. And in that moment, she seemed a thousand years old.

He was making me. 

And that answer was enough. And my heart resounded with the truth of it, “Of course He was. Of course, that’s exactly what He was doing, Dear One.”

Because now that I know her, and know how special she is–it only makes sense, that it took so long. I don’t know what God was doing with her up there. There is just something about her, that seems as if she spent a long time on God’s chest before coming to mine. Almost as if heaven didn’t want to give her up.

Selah. 

And I say this with tears, to you, barren ones…

Who are waiting for your baby prayers to be answered.

Who are praying every day for God to give you a baby. To give you life.

I don’t know why it’s taking so long. 

I don’t know if He will give you a child through your womb, or through foster care, or adoption.

But either way…if you are waiting right now, and you don’t know why it’s taking so long.

Maybe it’s because God, the Maker and Giver of Life and every living thing…is still in the process of making your baby.

We can’t even begin to comprehend what is happening in the heavenlies, in the unseen, and what, or who He is forming. 

His ways are not like ours. His timing is not like ours.

And perhaps if He’s moving so slowly, and He’s taking so long… It’s because He’s forming something so breathtaking and beautiful…it cannot be rushed.

He is in the process of forming a masterpiece. 

And maybe one day, a little masterpiece will stand before you and say, “I know why God took so long to give you a baby.”

And you will say, “Why?”

And they will say,

“Because…

He was making me.” 

I can't but think this is part of my story too.  That God waited for the perfect moment to allow my womb to no longer be barren. I had a feeling that one day I would have twins.  Perhaps it was just a dream of mine but I truly think it was gods reality for me.  So maybe he was just waiting for not one but two embryos.  Time will tell and God will one day shine his light in my life at the perfect time and show me why it took so long

So as much as I hate to still be emotional about having kids the pain doesn't go away it just gets easier.  And times like cooing babies make it so worth whatever struggle anyone is going through.  

Slap happy

Some days we just feel a little slap happy and totally childish around here.  Laughing is what keep Matt and I sane as we raise these two little precious petites!!  Here's an example of the kind of humor we find funny these days!! We call it the white mans doo rag!!! 

 

For those of you who don't know what's on his head... It's our daughters Velcro swaddle blankets.  And to think we are parents... Yikes!!!

2 month check up

We got our 2 month check up and shots today!! And we totally screamed our guys out! Poor baby girls ... 

Emma looks a little more content and acting like nothing happened today... Maybe just a little more tired during her afternoon nap.  She was 22.5 inches long and weighed 8.8 lbs!

Maddie on the other hand seems to be a little more miserable.  A bit more whiny and a bit more tired than Emma.  She's still my bigger baby at 8.11 lbs and also 22.5 inches!!

Our pediatrician was pleased with both of them and had no concerns.  Since they are on the lower end for weight he wants us to come back in 1 month for a weight check instead of waiting two months for their 4 month check up!  

8 weeks old

8 weeks old and tomorrow they have their 2 month check-up... Where has the time gone.  Some days I feel like I have gotten the hang of this whole new mom of twins and then other days I feel like a complete failure.  

I'm still trying to get out of the house for some fun mommy activities with the girls so i can have some adult conversation but I'm just not really good at that yet.  Partly because I hate waking the girls up to go do something when they are sleeping so well and the other because they usually are feeding and God for bid I cut that short or else I swear the devil comes out of Miss Maddie.  She squeals like Wilbur the pig if she doesn't get enough of momma's milk.  It's a little funny and super cute, oink oink!  The other part of me is JUST SUPER NERVOUS AND ANXIOUS about getting out.  I have 4 activities I could potentially do but instead stay home with the girls.  Each week I think yes I'm just going to go for it and then I cave to the comfort of my house.  Perhaps it's the analness in me, don't screw with naps and eating or else I will pay for it later but most of it is just that I'm to chicken.  

So what might I be wanting to do you are probably wondering... Well there is an exercise class called stroller strides.  My girlfriend does it and just loves it.  It involves a stroller walk with some resistance training and a little mommy talk to get out of the house.  Our hospital hosts a mommy group called cradle talk for moms with newborn babies to age 6 months.  There is a great playgroup in Naperville full of a ton of moms they do all kinds of fun things and lastly our church has a woman's day in Thursday's... Kind of like a MOPS.  

So all these fun things!  And you know me miss social butterfly at times.  One day I'll start to get out of the house when hey get a bit bigger and I get more comfortable.  I just have to kick myself and go do it.  

But enough about me lets talk these babies.  They are growing and getting bigger by the day.  They love to play on their play mats and kind of half coo and try to talk to me.  Emma likes it more than Maddie.  If Maddie had her way, she would just suck on my boob the whole time while Emma played and watch her out of the corner of her eye... Again why we call her Wilbur.  They don't really like tummy time and I am bad at enforcing it too.

My boobs have really kicked it into high gear and started actually producing almost enough milk for the girls.  I still give 1-2 bottles by its really not that much maybe an ounce to 3 or 4. So although they look like milk cannons... I'm not quite used to that I always looked like a middle schooler with a flat chest I am happy to report they are doing their job!  

We go tomorrow for our check-up and 2 month shots!  Wish me luck I'm going by myself!  Hopefully me not supplementing as much hasn't hurt their weight gain.  They feel solid to me I'm guessing 8.5 pounds maybe 9!!! 

As always here are some updated pictures.