Falling numbers

I am realizing how much IVF is a numbers game and how "hooked" I get on the numbers and how anxious they make me feel.  We had our embryo retrieval yesterday and I had 19 eggs.  Not the winning number in comparison to my other retrievals ( that was 22) and not the losing number (that was 17).

I got an update from my embryologist that out of the 19 eggs, 13 were mature enough to implant with Matt's super swimmers and 12 out of the 13 made it to a fertilized embryo.  I should be happy with 12 right?  But of course playing the numbers game I'm still left disappointed.  

Maybe perhaps it is because I am comparing myself to other women that have had egg retrievals and get 35-40 eggs. Matt tells me to not compare myself and to just let things be but its just so hard not too.  

After I found out I only had 12 embryos I quickly compared my stats and numbers against my previous rounds of in vitro... How could I not right? Well even though I'm not feeling too confident in this round and prepping myself mentally that I will need to do another round I did find a little ray of sunshine and hope in my deep cloud of sadness and disappointed.  

My very first round, the round I got pregnant with, and brought so

 much love and joy and also lots of sadness.  THe round that has motivated me to want a family more than I could ever imagine.   Well I had even less that first round.... Only 10 embryos and actually only 3 that made it far enough to test. So that's the little bit of sunshine I am clinging too.  It's not easy, it's not fun, but one day I will be able to hopefully look back and thank god We went through all that we  have gone through to have a beautiful family.  

Trigger shot Sunday and Egg Retrieval Tuesday

I got my blood and ultrasound results on Saturday and everything was progressing so I was given the go ahead to "trigger" on Sunday night and will have my retrieval on Tuesday.  

The trigger wasn't too bad.  225 units of follistim, 3 units of menopur, and 1 shot of 10,000 units of HCG for those of you following and wondering what I used.  

I'm feeling real nervous.  As always, Matt and I hope and pray for the maximum amount of eggs because with the special genetic testing needed for my balanced translocation we need as many as we can get to maximize our chance of getting one or more "good embryos."  I recently read an article and statistically for every 10 embryos someone with balanced translocation usually has 1-2 good and normal embryos.  A  little shocking to see that  on average only 10-20% are normal and implantable but also realistic.

There is really no way of knowing whether or not we will have any good embryos this round and that is probably the hardest and most discouraging part of all of this.  If I was going through what I would call "normal ivf". We would have had probably at least 30 or more plantable embryos... Instead we are stuck with a big fat ZERO left.  I always seem to feel the most sad and discouraged as I near my final days of in vitro because I think at that time I realize how hard and challenging this really all is.  I also realize things are really not in our favor and question whether or not we will ever have our own biological children....  A little disheartening when you put in so much work only to keep failing.  

So on a sad and depressing note I am trying to stay positive and optimistic and give my new doctor a chance.  Who knows, maybe he will be able to help bring a miracle baby into my life.  We can only hope and pray right?  

Getting Nervous

I had my blood work and ultrasound yesterday.  My follicles are growing in size (yay!) and my estrogen level is rising nicely.  My estrogen was in the 1300 range which is a good indication that we are getting closer to having hopefully lots of mature eggs.  

I was taking 2 vials of menopur, 1 syringe of ganirelix, and 300 units of follistim but he lowered my dose of follistim to 200 units.  

I am not sure how I feel about LOWERING anything when I am Sooo eager to get as many eggs as I possibly can.  I have to remind myself that he is the doctor and to put my faith in God and let his work shine through Dr. Miller!!

This is the part of the in vitro process that I absolutely hate.  The fear of the unknown. Not to mention I'm feeling fat and bloated.  

So I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work and will see just how many more days I will stim for.  At the earliest he would take my eggs Monday and at the latest I think Wednesday.  Here's to hopefully relaxing and trying to not freak out about not getting enough eggs, medicine, and days to get the best possible outcome.    

Moving Right Along...

Just a quick update.  I had my blood drawn and ultrasound done on Monday.  My follicles were measuring right around an average of 10 mm and I know we want them to be 18 mm or bigger. Looking good so far and right where we would expect them to be.  So I am staying on the same does of medicine and will add in one more shot on Wednesday and then head back again on Thursday for more blood work and an ultrasound.  Praying hard that my ovaries continue to produce as many healthy little follicles and eggs as they can.  

I started

I bet you are all wondering... well I started round #4 of in vitro on Friday.  My ultrasound looked good, 10 follicles on each side.  For your information a follicle is essentially a little house for each of my individual eggs inside of my ovaries.  I haven't had the courage to poke myself yet but thankfully Matt has been coming home at a decent hour the past couple of days and could administer my medication.  

I have an appt. tomorrow morning to check my hormone levels and see how everything looks.  Fingers crossed that my ovaries are being stimulated and I am producing lots of eggs.  A little selfish of me ( I think it's much deserved though ) I said a couple extra prayers for myself at church today.  I know it's gods plan for Matt and I to have kids and I am really hoping and praying that this round is the one. Anyways, stay tuned....

She's Here!!

Alright Aunt Flow came just as I expected her to today.  I scheduled a doctors appointment for blood work and an ultrasound so as long as everything looks good I will begin my stimulation Friday night!

 So once again I have to gain my strength and courage to do yet another round.  Just recently I've gotten a little tired of it all and have started thinking.... Will it ever happen?  Should I just give up?  I'm tired and I see no end in sight.  But just when I feel a little too tired I pick myself back up and think about how much my family means to me and remember why I am fighting so hard to add children to our family!!!

Round #4

Well I am almost ready to start round #4 of IVF.  I am just waiting for good ole' Aunt Flow to make a quick little pit stop and I will be on my way to once again "making babies" like a science project!! 

I had my medication delivered finally after a few little bumps along the road.  I was supposed to have had my medicine delivered on Saturday but needless to say my fertility pharmacy failed to let me know that I would not get it on Saturday.  I called Friday night because I had not heard anything from them and the poor little customer service man got an ear full when he told me that it would not be delivered.  DO NOT MESS WITH AN INFERTILE LADIES FERTILITY DRUGS or else she might just lose it, and boy did I.  Anyways after some back and forth discussion I had my drugs delivered today. 

$10,000 dollars worth, gulp!!  It's just crazy how much this medicine costs.  Deloitte ( Matt's company) blessed us with an extra gift this year and doubled the fertility medicine coverage to $15,000  but once again after this round we have maxed it out.  

I am on a new regimen.  Follistim, menopur, ganirelix, and HCG trigger shot.  Previously I used low dose HCG instead of menopur so maybe this little menopur will be Magical and make lots of eggs!  I also have been taking quite a few new vitamins this round too.  This includes a prescription prenatal vitamin, Coq10, calcium, vitamin D, and a grand little cocktail called Pregnitude.  It all my be bogus BS and doing nothing but if it helps my little ovaries kick some serious ass and produce lots of eggs then I am ok with it.

Waiting for this round is making me quite anxious.  I am not sure if it's the fact that I have switched to a new doctor or am nervous to give myself shots but man do I feel stressed.  I have been trying to remind me that it's not really in my hands and that this is all part of gods plan to bring Matt and I a beautiful family.  So I keep praying that this time is going to work and 2015 or the beginning of 2016 will bring a beautiful addition to our family. 

Just like last time here is a little picture if all my meds.