Secret hand shakes

I survived my first " babies 1st Birthday" celebration.  We celebrated Baby Jude's birthday who I love very much but it didn't come without tears.  Not necessarily at his party ( hello that would be embarrassing...crazy woman in corner crying for no reason ) but last week in the privacy of my own home.  

Part of the reason it was a little hard was because "baby Jude " and "baby M" were supposed to be only a few months apart from each other and Jenn, my girlfriend, and I had grand plans of them being best buds, lots of stroller dates, and enjoying all things new mamas often dream about.  It's milestones not only in my own life but in other's lives that really make me realize how hard this journey can really be.

I have sworn off most baby showers to protect myself.  I refuse to goo and gaa over cute baby things so I don't have to hold back tears or get an awful pit in my stomach because I secretly envy the heck out of the cute pregnant mama to be.  So consider yourself lucky if I come... I must really like you.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about a first birthday so I went back and forth about going.

I was really uncertain about it but I knew that many of our friends would be there so Matt and I decided it would be fun to see everyone.  Life as an infertile chick some times comes with humor.  The conversations I have with myself or Matt reflect me "talking up my courage" to be around certain things like new babies and pregnant mommas to be.  I knew there would be quite a few babies and pregnant ladies at this party so Matt and I came up with a secret handshake that if I had, had enough I would squeeze Matt's hand three times.

Hello are we five?  Secret handshake... Yes pathetically and hilariously we thought it was the best way to politely excuse ourselves if I needed to go because I had enough baby talk.  It's funny the things that I do now to protect myself.  Out of embarrassment or shame... No.  It's more that when I am at my limit I don't need to force myself to be in a position I know is not healthy for me.

Thankfully I didn't have to use the handshake last night 😉.  We celebrated baby Jude and I got to hold our other friends brand new 7 week baby.  I took advantage of the "good baby mojo" that little guy will hopefully bring me and rocked the little peanut to sleep.  

So what did the three squeeze handshake stand for you wonder ?  Each squeeze represented a word. TIME TO GO.  Of course like always Matt was right, he knew I would be fine, but he was at least sweet enough to protect me and come up with a way to discreetly do it.  

If you haven't experienced infertility you'll never know the feeling.  But those of you that have, know all too well that feeling of you really want to be some where but have to put your guard up in order to not break down.  Thankfully the party turned into reminiscing about old high school memories and less about babies.  

Just in case you weren't at the birthday here is the birthday boy.  What a stud!  It's hard to believe he is one because Matt and I got to hold that little peanut on the first day he was born.

  

                                 

Fake out!

Soo finally when I think we might be moving forward we have to wait... again.  Funny how this is becoming more of a trend than an occasional thing but I am being patient and trying to trust the process and let it work  rather than plan like I normally due.

I had been waiting for the donor to get her period and for me to get mine.  I was about a week late (and yes I freaked out and took like 12 ok maybe 13 tests just to make sure I was not pregnant) but finally I got my period on Saturday.  I think the stress and anticipation of what is about to happen got the best of my hormones.   I got an e-mail on Monday from our agency letting us know that the donor had gotten hers on Sunday and would be going in for blood work and an ultrasound on Tuesday.  In my head I thought PERFECT she and I are already in sync with our cycles.

Yesterday I got a call from the nurse stating that yes the donor had gotten her period, but it was really light.  According to the blood hormone levels it wasn't really what they would call a true period but they were adding on one more test to confirm this.

Soo today the nurse from Dr. Miller's office called me and told me that based off of her labs  and the add on testing and ultrasound that it really wasn't a true period and more like breath through bleeding or light spotting and not the real deal.

Nooo,  of course I thought but this time rather than crying (like I normally do when something goes wrong) I told the nurse that I would wait to hear from her in a few weeks.  Rather than get so stressed out about waiting longer I am just trying to go with the flow and let nature take its course here.  I would rather our baby mama's levels look great before we spend the money and pump her full of hormones to try and produce a baby!

Hopefully she will get her period soon, and hopefully next time her levels look good.  If this is the case, than we most likely can still start in November.  Fingers and toes crossed because I REALLY don't want to wait until December or later to implant.

Until next time, or month, or whenever this is going to happen I keep praying!!

                                     

Baby Fever

Matt and I had a great Labor Day weekend.  Matt has been working crazy long hours for fall busy season but he was able to take a little break and enjoy doing some fun things with me.

On Saturday we spent the day in the city going to the Chicago Cubs game.  Matt's company sponsored the event and we had great tickets to one of the suites!  I wasn't sure how it was going to be, because it was an odd mix of people... 2 Families, 1 married couple, 1 pregnant lady, 1 new hire/bachelor, and 1 "newly dating" couple.  But we all ended up having a great time.  

The kids brought a whole new level of energy to the game.  One of Matts coworkers who we have gotten to know quite well have the cutest kids.  One is 2 the other is 4.  They are total Cubs fanatics and gave me the whole run down of the game... Who was good, who was going to start, who was next to bat, who was playing in which position.  I was quite amazed at there knowledge but not really because these kids are so smart and super cute!  

Sunday morning we went to church and I had an epiphany... Maybe that's a stretch but I've been praying lately for a sign.  A sign that God is in control and that he is listening.  It's hard sometimes to keep praying for a miracle but I keep asking and I think I finally got an answer. 

 We were singing and I randomly looked up at the lights on the stage.... You're never going to believe what color... White and blue, the exact same two colors I have been seeing during accupuncture.  As soon as I saw that I tapped Matt on the shoulder and showed him.  Although I get it, it's just a light, but what are the chances that i just blogged about seeing colors and I look up and see those exact colors in church, which I have probably looked at so many times and never paid attention to..  I think he's listening and I really do think great things are coming!!  

Yesterday we spent some time over at our friends new house in the northern suburbs of Chicago!  These are long time friends but with crazy schedules we haven't had a weekend that we could all get together and catch up in a very long time.  Some of their other friends were also there and had the most beautiful baby boy!  He will be one next week and oh my goodness he was the happiest, snuggliest, little thing I've seen in a while.  He had big blue eyes that could melt any woman's heart!  We enjoyed some labor day grilling, fun drinks, and catching up.  When we were leaving and saying goodbye little B reached up his hands because he wanted me to pick him up and say goodbye.

I think I needed that.  Good baby mojo for our upcoming in vitro and an awesome reminder that babies are truly beautiful and no matter how long or hard Matt and I continue to try, one day it will pay off and we will be able to hug a sweet little thing like little B. 

What a great weekend we had!  We hopefully will find out next week if we will be starting our cycle in October or November.  I'll keep ya'll posted!!!

Acupuncture and all it has to offer!

I still have been doing acupuncture weekly.  It really is an amazing stress reliever and I feel confident that it has worked to calm my nerves while I anxiously await this next adventure in the not so traditional baby making world.  I am learning with every hurdle that I cross that I really am a nervous Nelly.  I used to be able to run away my stress and get lost in a 10 or 15 mile run but I don't really have that opportunity anymore.  My doctors have suggested that I not run and stick to more low impact exercise.  I still walk about 5 miles a few times a week but it does not compare to the "runners high"  I used to get.

Many people think I am crazy for doing acupuncture... I would too if you told me that some lady was going to stick about 30 needles in my body and tell meto lay still and quietly for about 45 minutes.  But hook line and sink I am totally sucked into it!  In fact I find acupuncture to be so relaxing that almost every time I fall asleep, even if I am not tired.

So what does it feel like??  I barely feel the needles on my head, face, ear, neck, shoulders, or sternum.  I do feel a little pinch on the hands, wrist, forearms, legs, shins, and top of my feet.  The needles that I hate most are the needles that she puts in my stomach.  They are right above my surgical incision from my abdominal cerclage so the skin there is still numb and it makes me squeamish a little.

Once she has all of the needles placed she turns the lights off and that is when the magic happens.  I've recently started to see colors within the first couple of minutes after she has all the needles placed... blue and white.  When I first started I would close my eyes and just see nothing... black.  But now when I close my eyes I have a flash of white or blue light that lasts for a few minutes.  Matt and I looked up what this means and its something to do with expression and feeling the highest chakra you can feel or see (ya.... I don't get it)

At first my body doesn't really feel anything but after probably 5 minutes I start to get a numb/tingling sensation.  Stronger in my legs and arms and some light pulse like sensations in my tummy.  The first time my body started to go numb it scared the shit out of me!  I thought I was paralyzed but per Jing it's just the "energy" flowing throughout my body.  

Recently (the past two sessions) I have had this feeling like something is pulling me.  It feels like when you are on a roller coaster or on something fast and you have a tugging/pulling sensation but your body is not actually moving.  It is soo weird and a few times I actually had to sit up to make the sensation go away but it came right back.  I am sure this is "energy" as well but it makes me realize that these needles are doing something (or maybe I am just crazy!).

Perhaps it is all hocus pocus but when I first started doing acupuncture I had taken an evaluation and much of my energy and qi were "unbalanced."  She then repeated the same test and I was much more balanced.

She uses this test to determine as well as how I am feeling that day where she will stick the needle in.  I am not sure if I will continue acupuncture after I get pregnant but I may do it for a while to hopefully curb my nausea.  With the two last pregnancies I got really really sick.  In the mean time I will continue going weekly so that I can calm down and relax as I wait, and wait, and wait!  Hopefully it will be here before I know it though!!