9 and 10 weeks old

       

My oh my have these little ones kept me busy lately.  In addition to taking care of them as a SAHM I have jumped on the working band wagon again and have been working 2-6ish hours a day to try and meet a work deadline.  Needless to say tending to these little lads doesn't give me a whole lot of time to work during the day so I've had some late nights and long days with only 3-4ish hours of sleep.

So hence why my 9 and 10 week updates are a little late.  As I reflect back on the past week I can't but think how lucky I am.  I'm not sure if it's still the raging hormones or my overwhelmingly greatfulness to have children but I had a moment.  A moment where I was so proud to be a mommy. A moment I will cherish forever and can't wait to have more mommy moments to come like that.  

I was upstairs playing on the play mat with the girls one morning.  Matt had just left for work and I was looking down at Maddie and Emma as they were both smiling and cooing at me.  It was the first time both babies had cooed together and it brought so much joy to my heart that I literally was moved to tears.  I don't cry too often anymore thinking about our long long journey but in that moment I wept because I could.  I wept because again all the pain and suffering was totally worth that moment.  To see two beautiful babies smiling and cooing confirmed why I or anyone would ever put your body, mind, and everything else through 3.5 years of multiple rounds of in vitro.  

I'm not the only one that struggles or is struggling with infertility or bare was but if you read my blog you might like what a fellow blogger posted that I read today.  I found it so fitting that I wanted to share.... So read on 

It's titled 

Why God Took So Long To Give Me A Baby

I was painting in the garage, and she was drawing a rainbow on the cement floor with chalk when she said, “I’m glad God gave me you to me as my Mommy.”

I wasn’t ready for it. “What?” I asked, making sure I heard her right. She tried to say it again, but her words came out a little more awkward this time, and she said something like, “I’m happy your’e my mommy from God.”

Tears filled my eyes.

Then she prayed, “God, thank you for giving my mommy to me. And thank you (I couldn’t understand this part.) And thank you, she makes me breakfast. And thank you we’re going to make pumpkin spagotti (biscotti). I hope it tastes good. Do you think it will taste good, God?”

Then she opened her eyes, and went back to drawing her chalk mural–while my eyes blurred with tears, and a huge lump came to my throat. Where did that come from?

She’s three…and I didn’t know her little heart could hold such gratitude. Or that it would just burst out of her, during this subtle moment in the garage. Or that she would thank God, outloud, for me, right then.

Usually, she doesn’t even want to pray out loud–even with me encouraging her.  But today she felt something inside her.

Something beautiful.

Her little heart can hold more love than I often know.

Her little mind…is not so little as I think it is. She thinks far beyond what I would expect.

“Thank you, Selah,” I said, smiling. “I’m so glad God gave me you as my daughter.”

I would have hugged her right then, if my hands didn’t have white paint on them, and if there wasn’t so much junk between us on the floor. The drawers I was painting, and an old wooden chair.

“Did you have to wait a long time for me Mom?” she asked. (I have told her the storymany times, but she wanted to hear it again.)

I stepped across the junk on the floor and came a little closer to her. “Yes,” I said. “I asked God for a baby over and over again. But He didn’t give me one for a long time.”

“And when me and Daddy found out you were in my tummy, we were so happy!” I told her.

“Do you know why God took so long to give you a baby?” she said.

“No, honey,” I said. “I don’t know.”

“I know why,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because…He was making me,” she said.

He was making me.

I looked into her deep blue eyes, that seemed to know something from another world, and her blonde tossled hair russled in the breeze. And in that moment, she seemed a thousand years old.

He was making me. 

And that answer was enough. And my heart resounded with the truth of it, “Of course He was. Of course, that’s exactly what He was doing, Dear One.”

Because now that I know her, and know how special she is–it only makes sense, that it took so long. I don’t know what God was doing with her up there. There is just something about her, that seems as if she spent a long time on God’s chest before coming to mine. Almost as if heaven didn’t want to give her up.

Selah. 

And I say this with tears, to you, barren ones…

Who are waiting for your baby prayers to be answered.

Who are praying every day for God to give you a baby. To give you life.

I don’t know why it’s taking so long. 

I don’t know if He will give you a child through your womb, or through foster care, or adoption.

But either way…if you are waiting right now, and you don’t know why it’s taking so long.

Maybe it’s because God, the Maker and Giver of Life and every living thing…is still in the process of making your baby.

We can’t even begin to comprehend what is happening in the heavenlies, in the unseen, and what, or who He is forming. 

His ways are not like ours. His timing is not like ours.

And perhaps if He’s moving so slowly, and He’s taking so long… It’s because He’s forming something so breathtaking and beautiful…it cannot be rushed.

He is in the process of forming a masterpiece. 

And maybe one day, a little masterpiece will stand before you and say, “I know why God took so long to give you a baby.”

And you will say, “Why?”

And they will say,

“Because…

He was making me.” 

I can't but think this is part of my story too.  That God waited for the perfect moment to allow my womb to no longer be barren. I had a feeling that one day I would have twins.  Perhaps it was just a dream of mine but I truly think it was gods reality for me.  So maybe he was just waiting for not one but two embryos.  Time will tell and God will one day shine his light in my life at the perfect time and show me why it took so long

So as much as I hate to still be emotional about having kids the pain doesn't go away it just gets easier.  And times like cooing babies make it so worth whatever struggle anyone is going through.  

Slap happy

Some days we just feel a little slap happy and totally childish around here.  Laughing is what keep Matt and I sane as we raise these two little precious petites!!  Here's an example of the kind of humor we find funny these days!! We call it the white mans doo rag!!! 

 

For those of you who don't know what's on his head... It's our daughters Velcro swaddle blankets.  And to think we are parents... Yikes!!!

2 month check up

We got our 2 month check up and shots today!! And we totally screamed our guys out! Poor baby girls ... 

Emma looks a little more content and acting like nothing happened today... Maybe just a little more tired during her afternoon nap.  She was 22.5 inches long and weighed 8.8 lbs!

Maddie on the other hand seems to be a little more miserable.  A bit more whiny and a bit more tired than Emma.  She's still my bigger baby at 8.11 lbs and also 22.5 inches!!

Our pediatrician was pleased with both of them and had no concerns.  Since they are on the lower end for weight he wants us to come back in 1 month for a weight check instead of waiting two months for their 4 month check up!  

8 weeks old

8 weeks old and tomorrow they have their 2 month check-up... Where has the time gone.  Some days I feel like I have gotten the hang of this whole new mom of twins and then other days I feel like a complete failure.  

I'm still trying to get out of the house for some fun mommy activities with the girls so i can have some adult conversation but I'm just not really good at that yet.  Partly because I hate waking the girls up to go do something when they are sleeping so well and the other because they usually are feeding and God for bid I cut that short or else I swear the devil comes out of Miss Maddie.  She squeals like Wilbur the pig if she doesn't get enough of momma's milk.  It's a little funny and super cute, oink oink!  The other part of me is JUST SUPER NERVOUS AND ANXIOUS about getting out.  I have 4 activities I could potentially do but instead stay home with the girls.  Each week I think yes I'm just going to go for it and then I cave to the comfort of my house.  Perhaps it's the analness in me, don't screw with naps and eating or else I will pay for it later but most of it is just that I'm to chicken.  

So what might I be wanting to do you are probably wondering... Well there is an exercise class called stroller strides.  My girlfriend does it and just loves it.  It involves a stroller walk with some resistance training and a little mommy talk to get out of the house.  Our hospital hosts a mommy group called cradle talk for moms with newborn babies to age 6 months.  There is a great playgroup in Naperville full of a ton of moms they do all kinds of fun things and lastly our church has a woman's day in Thursday's... Kind of like a MOPS.  

So all these fun things!  And you know me miss social butterfly at times.  One day I'll start to get out of the house when hey get a bit bigger and I get more comfortable.  I just have to kick myself and go do it.  

But enough about me lets talk these babies.  They are growing and getting bigger by the day.  They love to play on their play mats and kind of half coo and try to talk to me.  Emma likes it more than Maddie.  If Maddie had her way, she would just suck on my boob the whole time while Emma played and watch her out of the corner of her eye... Again why we call her Wilbur.  They don't really like tummy time and I am bad at enforcing it too.

My boobs have really kicked it into high gear and started actually producing almost enough milk for the girls.  I still give 1-2 bottles by its really not that much maybe an ounce to 3 or 4. So although they look like milk cannons... I'm not quite used to that I always looked like a middle schooler with a flat chest I am happy to report they are doing their job!  

We go tomorrow for our check-up and 2 month shots!  Wish me luck I'm going by myself!  Hopefully me not supplementing as much hasn't hurt their weight gain.  They feel solid to me I'm guessing 8.5 pounds maybe 9!!! 

As always here are some updated pictures. 

7 weeks old

7 weeks old and growing like little weeds.  I've noticed this past week that Emma and Maddie seem to be eating a little more and sleeping a little longer.  From what I have read it seems like they are going through a little bit of a growth spurt. Either the 6 or 8 week one.   The hardest part of this... They seem a bit more fussy and only content sucking on my boob and not on a binky.  

So what have I been doing lately.... Hunkering my little booty on the couch, chair, bed... Hooters out.. And babies on the boob CONSTANTLY.  It's not hard, it's just a bit boring and when you tandem feed and don't have one hand free, it never fails I always have an itch on my face or a piece of hair in my face.  

So again the whole question of why am I breastfeeding comes to mind when I sit for 1-2 hours feeding these little lads and they don't seem content runs rampant through my mind.  I've almost given up about 1000 times but over and over again, the girls, aka the boobs provide for my girls and I quickly forget the last melt down and move on.

Yesterday was a rough day though. We traveled back to Michigan to see friends and family but the girls definitely had had enough and were really fussy.  It was a long car ride home with Emma screaming her head off that only continued with both of them when I got home.  The girls were fine if they fed, but the minute I pulled them away... The tears, the crying, the screaming.  They never really have my body a chance to make enough milk so I finally caved and gave them a big bottle and put them to bed.  I think that was just what they and I needed because when all was said and done, this momma cried.  Cried because I hate to hear them cry, cried because every time I give a bottle I feel like I'm failing, cried because I'm exhausted (did I mention twins are hard work), and cried because I just needed to cry.  Well the girls slept quite a bit last night which to me told me they were definitely over tired from this weekend.  

Speaking of this weekend as miserable as I made it sound... It actually was quite fun.  We spent the weekend with my family, TJ and Erin made it and then my aunt carol and cousin Lexie came.  We also got to see some good family friends and my babysitters from growing up.  We watched the MSU game and hung out by the pool. My days are constantly surrounded by baby at home so it was a nice change of pace.  

As always here are some pictures from the week.  

A cute smile while she sleeps... Must have been dreaming of binkies! 

 Go Green!! Go White! 

Under the sun tent enjoying the pool! 

Maddie!!

Emma!!