Ultrasound 1 and 2

Sorry I haven't been updating lately.  Last week the revenge of morning aka all day sickness hit and it's been a struggle to survive.  Although it's a "good" feeling to be sick again it is not fun puking 5-6 times per day.  Anyways enough complaining we had two great ultrasounds this past week and this week.

Ultrasound #1:  the ultrasound showed two sacs, so two potential babies but baby A was measuring large so they think it's a vanishing twin and there will most likely only be one baby that makes it.  Baby b looked good, we saw the gestational and yolk sac but too early to hear/see a heartbeat

Ultrasound #2:  we had our second ultrasound today, still two sacs but only showing one great heartbeat so still looking like one baby.  A heartbeat was all I was looking for today and we saw one!  So still holding my breath but after seeing a little tiny flickering heartbeat I feel more optimistic we are heading in the right direction.

I have my next ultrasound next Wednesday.  I wil try to update a little sooner so some of you that I don't get to talk with on a regular basis don't have to wait so long!!!  

One week at a time but this weekend will mark 7 weeks and 31 to go!! Who's counting though right ?  And another milestone only 7 weeks left of my daily progesterone in oil shots left.  My little tush will be so happy when I don't have to get shots two times a day.  It is bruised, ugly, swollen, and has welts all over.  Not pretty!!

HCG #2

Sooo I'm still pregnant!  The number was great, 8185.  You want your HCG to double every 2-3 days, so my number did!  One more positive direction towards the end goal.  We have our next appointment next Thursday to ensure the embryo implanted in the correct location (the uterus) and possibly to learn if there will be one or two. A little weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and instead of day by day, I can now take it week by week.  Tomorrow marks 5 weeks, so only 33 more to go!!!

HCG # 1

I had my blood drawn on Tuesday morning.  Guess What?  It was positive!  The number was 2,222!  Which 22 happens to be my lucky number so maybe just maybe this is another positive sign.  They want the HCG level over 100, so it was a great number.  I didn't cheat and take an at home pregnancy test, so I was totally in the dark as to whether or not this round of ivf had worked.  Matt stayed home with me, so we listened to the voicemail message from the nurse together.  When she said it was positive, I cried.  Tears of happiness this time and not tears of grief.  We go back on Friday to make sure the number is continuing to rise and things continue to move in a positive direction.

Although I know the feeling all too well of a positive pregnancy test (I've had six now), I am hoping this is the one.  Matt and I keep asking very loudly... "Come on, one time". Anyways I'll keep you all posted but step #1 was good.  Oh and thanks so much for the prayers, candles lit, and anything else ya'll are doing for us. Keep them coming!

PUPO

In the world of infertility I currently am "pregnant until proven otherwise...with twins!"

Of course I had a horrible nightmare last night that we didn't have any embryos to implant.  Thank god that was not true.  We had 7 to choose from and we were able to implant two.  

It's always sooo awkward to sit spread eagle in the stirrups in front of your husband, the nurse, the doctor, and the embryologist in order to get "knocked up" but in desperation I will do whatever it takes to get pregnant.  We told Dr. Miller no pressure but he better get it right!  He's such a positive guy and had a good laugh with us.  

So now we wait.... 2 weeks and counting.  I'm laying low and Matt's playing an excellent murse (male nurse if you didn't know what that means).  You can see him above slaving away with tonight dinner... 7 pounds of pork butt.  What else are you going to do besides eat, sleep, read, and watch tv when you're trying to get pregnant the unconventional way.  Let's hope this really is the one.  One or two we don't care.... We would just love to have babies soon.  

I gave it all I had!

As you all know Matt and I love to find as much humor in this ivf process so after he had to provide a cough cough little special spermy sample he told me he gave it all that he had!  I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants but thank god because out of the 30 eggs we had,  22 of them were mature enough to implant and 19 of them fertilized!  Hopefully they continue to grow so we can have enough embryos to implant to continue to grow our troop one day!  At this rate I told Matt for every miscarriage I have had it makes me want to have that many kids so I keep praying we are going to have enough embryos to implant to have at least 3 or 4 and maybe even more if the Mr. Would let it happen!  Anyways it looks like Thursday is the big day!  We'll keep ya'll posted.

They're Here!!

8 months later we finally have 30 beautiful eggs in our possession. It feels a little funny that this time we paid for a baby momma to provide something for us rather than me going through the whole ivf procedure, but we did it and we are here!  So now we wait until tomorrow to see how many of the 30 eggs were mature enough to fertilize and how many fertilized with Matt's little swimmers.

Sorry I didn't update throughout the week.  It was a crazy hectic week and I was too nervous to think that something might go wrong.  All is well for now, and we will either be implanting on Tuesday or Thursday.  I had an appointment to check my hormones and endometrial lining.  Things look great and my endometrial lining looks like a comfy pillow for those embryos to nestle into for a nice 10 month nap!

I cannot believe we are here.  Last night before bed Matt and I talked a little about what is about to come, and I got very sad and tearful. Sad because I am going on a leap of faith and potentially bringing babies that are not genetically mine into this world. And a little sad because if this doesn't work this really is our last chance for me to carry babies in my own belly.  I'm trying to stay positive and not think about the sad things but for all the joy and happiness I feel it is masked with fear and hesitation.  

I spent this week hanging out with some beautiful babies... A 3 month old little girl and a 3 week old baby.  It was nice to hear baby giggles, get some baby snuggles, and remind myself once again that once I catch the end of the rainbow I too can have that.  I believe in good mojo so I can only imagine how the good baby mojo only helped in the end process here.  I needed that.  So now we wait, again. Anticipating how many embryos will make it and how many I will get to implant.  Please pray for strength in numbers that we end up with at least enough embryos to complete our beautiful family someday.  We'll keep you all posted!  Until then keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming!!! 

Always something... another bump in the road

Our donor had an appointment on Thursday and had her last appointment in her home state.  She got the all clear and flew into Chicago late last night.  I got a call from our nurse this morning that when she unpacked her suitcase last night she was missing a medicine.  Panicked and rightfully so she called the agency and Dr. Miller's office.  Unfortunately it was too late to get her the medicine so she doubled up on another and then was able to get back on track this morning after she went into Dr. Millers.  

Per the nurse it shouldn't affect the stimulation other than add a couple of days to her total time.  I was super dissappointed to hear this.  But in my heart I knew it was just going too smoothly.  So here we are, hopefully a small hiccup, but hopefully not detrimental to the actual final end result, Matt and I getting to implant! 

Please pray that this hiccup hasn't affected her too much and also pray for guidance as she finishes up the last week here in Naperville.  These last few days really matter so I'm anxiously waiting to hear that everything is continue to go and we can proceed with the egg retrieval.

I feel like my stomach is in my throat but after talking with the agency it sounds hopeful that in the end everything will work out. Always an adventure in our world.  We are just here for the ride.  And as much as I prefer the carousel ride or a nice leisure bike ride we are on one hell of a ride.  Hang on guys I can't  feel the end yet but we are getting closer

Spring Chicken

Our baby momma had her first follow-up appointment today.  This girl is one young fertile spring chicken!  She had 46 follicles.  18 on one side and 28 on the other.  I always thought I had a lot of follicles but in comparison I see now how age can really make a big difference... Although I am only about 7 years older than she is, it definitely is showing me that I'm getting older.  For those of you who don't know what a follicle is, it's essentially a "home" for each egg in the ovaries.  Now it doesn't always mean that is how many eggs the doctor will retrieve but there is a good chance we will hopefully have a lot to choose from.

Now we just have to pray that Dr. Miller can control everything and make the eggs mature enough to create mature embryos with Matt's little swimmers!  I'm still taking my medicine and we will hear back more on Thursday.  Keep praying for us, for her, and that gods hands are in Dr. Miller as well.

Moving right along!

You guys this might actually be happening.  Wednesday night I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and oh yes oh yes my prayers were answered again I got my second period!  Yippee.  I was so excited that I woke Matt up in the middle of the night.  I don't think he really enjoyed being woken up at 3 am to know but I was excited.  

So today I had my first ultrasound and blood work to check my hormone levels and endometrial lining.  Things look good so I am starting my medicine.  Our donor also got her period this week and had her blood work today so she will start her medicine on Saturday as well.  So we will be synced up and ready to go by tomorrow.  

I can't believe it, after waiting almost 8 months we are finally ready to go.  The pessimist in me is just waiting for something bad to happen but I'm hoping everything from here on out is smooth sailing.  Matt and I could use a miracle or two little miracles in our life. Keep praying for us you guys!!  Things might actually be working this time.  Positive things can happen right?  

 

                         

Pharmacies wasting my time

Part of the reason why I no longer work full time is because on any given day I can spend hours getting things ready or squared away for the in vitro process.  I'll admit I am good at wasting time and don't always need the extra time, but today I did.

Today I was thankful for the extra time. I literally spent 2.5 hours in the phone only for the pharmacy to FINALLY tell me.... Oh your doctor needs to do a prior authorization for your prescription!  

Let me paint a pretty picture for you.   The nurse sent all of my prescriptions to a mail order fertility pharmacy, Freedom pharmacy.  They were able to fill my injectable medication but not my oral medication.  Per Freedom pharmacy they would need to have it sent to a local pharmacy so that it would be covered by my insurance.  Ok... A few days later.....

I go to Meijer to pick-up my scripts.  Count them out and I am missing 1 of them.  I tell the pharmacists, she tells me " oh we will need to get it ready for you, give me 10 minutes."  So I wander around Meijer pick-up my groceries and then head to the pharmacy counter.  She looks at me and tells me they don't have it.  So I explain to them that it was sent over by another pharmacy.  

Yesterday I got a call from Meijer notifying me that per Freedom pharmacy ( the mail order pharmacy) they had shipped my medication and it was delivered to me on October 15th.  So that wasn't right so I get on the phone and start calling.  Which stArts my 2.5 hour ordeal of back and fourth between 3 pharmacies, blue cross blue shield, and myself.  I was on a four way call at one point with the pharmacist from Meijer yelling at the fertility pharmacy that it was there fault at one point... Hello can we say awkward!!  Needless to say it was a huge waste of everyone's time and I still don't have the script!  Out of pocket it was going to cost around $500, so I definitely wanted to get to the bottom of everything for the usual $20.00 copy!   

These are some of the extra hurdles you have to cross when dealing with any type of medical problem.  It just gets annoying and is such a waste of time!!  

Ok thanks for listening!  I just had to vent 

Round 5

     

 And lots of time it has been.  We passed the 3 year mark last week.  I actually didn't "celebrate it" but it did bring a twinge of pain to think... wow 3 years and all we have is a whole lot of heartache, lots of stories, and more strength and courage than I ever thought possible.

I started my pill lack of birth control last week and today was my last day! Yippee I successfully made it. 21 pills in 3 days and I didn't even puke.  This must be a good sign right?  On Saturday I started my shots, lupron shots every morning.  Now I sit and wait again for my next period... So might I request a quick little prayer again for good ole Aunt Flo to arrive at the very latest Saturday.  According to the nurse 3-5 days from tonight she'll be here!  

I'm guessing that the way my stomach feels and looks,  it should be coming soon.  

I've been thinking a lot about what if this actually works... And I cannot help but smile and cry at the same time.  The feelings are so raw and I'm more sad and scared then ready and excited.  It's my one protection to guard myself and not get too excited just in case I'm let down.  It's the pessimist in me but after 5 losses this is what I do.  I little ray of hope in my heart thinks that this is it though.  Keep praying you guys!!  You'll know the power of prayer is an amazing thing and the power of prayer we need to create and bring these little miracle babies home.  In T-minus 1 month Matt and I are hoping to hear happy news instead of heartache!!!!

Welcome to Holland Aunt Flo

Well Aunt Flo finally arrived.  Thanks for all of your prayers if you prayed for her!  It worked. On to my next step today or tomorrow.... Pack me full of birth control hormones!!!

I'm sure you are all wondering why I titled this blog post "welcome to Holland."  Well I'm currently on my way to work sitting on the train killing some time and I came across a beautiful poem.  It spoke to how I feel my life is now and my "road less traveled" and I'm sure for some of you reading this it will speak to you.

 

                                                            WELCOME TO HOLLAND

By Emily Perl Kingsley. c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

 

Praying for that Dang Period

Ok ladies we all know how periods work... They come when you least expect it or don't want it... and never seem to come when you are hoping it arrives.  So I need your help.  Please pray for good ole' Aunt Flo to arrive this weekend or early next week so Matt and I can get this baby making party started!!

Well I wouldn't say I am that excited but I did hear some great news.  As long as my period comes this weekend or early next week (no pressure right?)  I should be all set to start in vitro via donor egg starting the end of October.  GULP!! So soon right?  That's kind of what I thought when the nurse told me the good news. I was expecting the end of November at the rate things were going.

Our donor had travel plans for Thanksgiving so we are trying our best to avoid having her stimulated into the holidays or else we might get pushed back until January, and I really don't want that to happen.  So once my period comes I am going to be pumped full of hormones (3 birth control pills per day) to alter everything so she can start her stimulation meds and I can start my meds and we can align everything up.

  For anyone who doesn't know it, 3 birth control pills per day verses 1 sounds like death to me but at this point I desperately will do anything to start the process.  My body does not seem to handle birth control very well so this shall be interesting... it could be just fine.  The pessimist in me says i'm going to be nauseous as hell!  I once passed out in college from puking so hard from birth control pills.  Check that one off the list of embarrassing moments.

So we are moving along the journey once again. We paid our final check to the agency.   Our baby mama will be coming to Chicago soon to meet with Dr. Miller and finalize all of the plans.  We are in the final negotiation with our lawyers to sign off on all of the custody paperwork, and I am just sitting here waiting for my period.  Until then it all rides on whether or not it actually comes.  So seriously, whoever you are out there, and whatever you believe in, please pray so hard that it comes and that stress doesn't get the best of me and screw everything up !!!

                                    

   


                         
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Flashback reminder from Facebook

Today as I opened my facebook I was greeted with a picture and a caption that nearly took my breath away.  2 years ago today Matt and I shared with our families that we were going to be parents to a beautiful baby boy. Of course I got a little teary eyed ( who wouldn't) but it also brought a smile and a warm place in my heart that even though his life was short we still celebrated in the short amount of time we had.  
   

         

It really is amazing how fast this whole process has been because that day seems like just yesterday.  Although most of the time I would say it doesn't really feel like time is moving all to fast during this process.  It is when I am reminded of certain days both good and bad of what has happened I realize how fast this journey really is in the scheme of everything.  

I'm hoping to have an update soon regarding the next step of our journey.  The baby mama got her period last week and had her blood tests drawn on Friday.  Stay tuned.....

Secret hand shakes

I survived my first " babies 1st Birthday" celebration.  We celebrated Baby Jude's birthday who I love very much but it didn't come without tears.  Not necessarily at his party ( hello that would be embarrassing...crazy woman in corner crying for no reason ) but last week in the privacy of my own home.  

Part of the reason it was a little hard was because "baby Jude " and "baby M" were supposed to be only a few months apart from each other and Jenn, my girlfriend, and I had grand plans of them being best buds, lots of stroller dates, and enjoying all things new mamas often dream about.  It's milestones not only in my own life but in other's lives that really make me realize how hard this journey can really be.

I have sworn off most baby showers to protect myself.  I refuse to goo and gaa over cute baby things so I don't have to hold back tears or get an awful pit in my stomach because I secretly envy the heck out of the cute pregnant mama to be.  So consider yourself lucky if I come... I must really like you.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about a first birthday so I went back and forth about going.

I was really uncertain about it but I knew that many of our friends would be there so Matt and I decided it would be fun to see everyone.  Life as an infertile chick some times comes with humor.  The conversations I have with myself or Matt reflect me "talking up my courage" to be around certain things like new babies and pregnant mommas to be.  I knew there would be quite a few babies and pregnant ladies at this party so Matt and I came up with a secret handshake that if I had, had enough I would squeeze Matt's hand three times.

Hello are we five?  Secret handshake... Yes pathetically and hilariously we thought it was the best way to politely excuse ourselves if I needed to go because I had enough baby talk.  It's funny the things that I do now to protect myself.  Out of embarrassment or shame... No.  It's more that when I am at my limit I don't need to force myself to be in a position I know is not healthy for me.

Thankfully I didn't have to use the handshake last night 😉.  We celebrated baby Jude and I got to hold our other friends brand new 7 week baby.  I took advantage of the "good baby mojo" that little guy will hopefully bring me and rocked the little peanut to sleep.  

So what did the three squeeze handshake stand for you wonder ?  Each squeeze represented a word. TIME TO GO.  Of course like always Matt was right, he knew I would be fine, but he was at least sweet enough to protect me and come up with a way to discreetly do it.  

If you haven't experienced infertility you'll never know the feeling.  But those of you that have, know all too well that feeling of you really want to be some where but have to put your guard up in order to not break down.  Thankfully the party turned into reminiscing about old high school memories and less about babies.  

Just in case you weren't at the birthday here is the birthday boy.  What a stud!  It's hard to believe he is one because Matt and I got to hold that little peanut on the first day he was born.

  

                                 

Fake out!

Soo finally when I think we might be moving forward we have to wait... again.  Funny how this is becoming more of a trend than an occasional thing but I am being patient and trying to trust the process and let it work  rather than plan like I normally due.

I had been waiting for the donor to get her period and for me to get mine.  I was about a week late (and yes I freaked out and took like 12 ok maybe 13 tests just to make sure I was not pregnant) but finally I got my period on Saturday.  I think the stress and anticipation of what is about to happen got the best of my hormones.   I got an e-mail on Monday from our agency letting us know that the donor had gotten hers on Sunday and would be going in for blood work and an ultrasound on Tuesday.  In my head I thought PERFECT she and I are already in sync with our cycles.

Yesterday I got a call from the nurse stating that yes the donor had gotten her period, but it was really light.  According to the blood hormone levels it wasn't really what they would call a true period but they were adding on one more test to confirm this.

Soo today the nurse from Dr. Miller's office called me and told me that based off of her labs  and the add on testing and ultrasound that it really wasn't a true period and more like breath through bleeding or light spotting and not the real deal.

Nooo,  of course I thought but this time rather than crying (like I normally do when something goes wrong) I told the nurse that I would wait to hear from her in a few weeks.  Rather than get so stressed out about waiting longer I am just trying to go with the flow and let nature take its course here.  I would rather our baby mama's levels look great before we spend the money and pump her full of hormones to try and produce a baby!

Hopefully she will get her period soon, and hopefully next time her levels look good.  If this is the case, than we most likely can still start in November.  Fingers and toes crossed because I REALLY don't want to wait until December or later to implant.

Until next time, or month, or whenever this is going to happen I keep praying!!

                                     

Baby Fever

Matt and I had a great Labor Day weekend.  Matt has been working crazy long hours for fall busy season but he was able to take a little break and enjoy doing some fun things with me.

On Saturday we spent the day in the city going to the Chicago Cubs game.  Matt's company sponsored the event and we had great tickets to one of the suites!  I wasn't sure how it was going to be, because it was an odd mix of people... 2 Families, 1 married couple, 1 pregnant lady, 1 new hire/bachelor, and 1 "newly dating" couple.  But we all ended up having a great time.  

The kids brought a whole new level of energy to the game.  One of Matts coworkers who we have gotten to know quite well have the cutest kids.  One is 2 the other is 4.  They are total Cubs fanatics and gave me the whole run down of the game... Who was good, who was going to start, who was next to bat, who was playing in which position.  I was quite amazed at there knowledge but not really because these kids are so smart and super cute!  

Sunday morning we went to church and I had an epiphany... Maybe that's a stretch but I've been praying lately for a sign.  A sign that God is in control and that he is listening.  It's hard sometimes to keep praying for a miracle but I keep asking and I think I finally got an answer. 

 We were singing and I randomly looked up at the lights on the stage.... You're never going to believe what color... White and blue, the exact same two colors I have been seeing during accupuncture.  As soon as I saw that I tapped Matt on the shoulder and showed him.  Although I get it, it's just a light, but what are the chances that i just blogged about seeing colors and I look up and see those exact colors in church, which I have probably looked at so many times and never paid attention to..  I think he's listening and I really do think great things are coming!!  

Yesterday we spent some time over at our friends new house in the northern suburbs of Chicago!  These are long time friends but with crazy schedules we haven't had a weekend that we could all get together and catch up in a very long time.  Some of their other friends were also there and had the most beautiful baby boy!  He will be one next week and oh my goodness he was the happiest, snuggliest, little thing I've seen in a while.  He had big blue eyes that could melt any woman's heart!  We enjoyed some labor day grilling, fun drinks, and catching up.  When we were leaving and saying goodbye little B reached up his hands because he wanted me to pick him up and say goodbye.

I think I needed that.  Good baby mojo for our upcoming in vitro and an awesome reminder that babies are truly beautiful and no matter how long or hard Matt and I continue to try, one day it will pay off and we will be able to hug a sweet little thing like little B. 

What a great weekend we had!  We hopefully will find out next week if we will be starting our cycle in October or November.  I'll keep ya'll posted!!!

Acupuncture and all it has to offer!

I still have been doing acupuncture weekly.  It really is an amazing stress reliever and I feel confident that it has worked to calm my nerves while I anxiously await this next adventure in the not so traditional baby making world.  I am learning with every hurdle that I cross that I really am a nervous Nelly.  I used to be able to run away my stress and get lost in a 10 or 15 mile run but I don't really have that opportunity anymore.  My doctors have suggested that I not run and stick to more low impact exercise.  I still walk about 5 miles a few times a week but it does not compare to the "runners high"  I used to get.

Many people think I am crazy for doing acupuncture... I would too if you told me that some lady was going to stick about 30 needles in my body and tell meto lay still and quietly for about 45 minutes.  But hook line and sink I am totally sucked into it!  In fact I find acupuncture to be so relaxing that almost every time I fall asleep, even if I am not tired.

So what does it feel like??  I barely feel the needles on my head, face, ear, neck, shoulders, or sternum.  I do feel a little pinch on the hands, wrist, forearms, legs, shins, and top of my feet.  The needles that I hate most are the needles that she puts in my stomach.  They are right above my surgical incision from my abdominal cerclage so the skin there is still numb and it makes me squeamish a little.

Once she has all of the needles placed she turns the lights off and that is when the magic happens.  I've recently started to see colors within the first couple of minutes after she has all the needles placed... blue and white.  When I first started I would close my eyes and just see nothing... black.  But now when I close my eyes I have a flash of white or blue light that lasts for a few minutes.  Matt and I looked up what this means and its something to do with expression and feeling the highest chakra you can feel or see (ya.... I don't get it)

At first my body doesn't really feel anything but after probably 5 minutes I start to get a numb/tingling sensation.  Stronger in my legs and arms and some light pulse like sensations in my tummy.  The first time my body started to go numb it scared the shit out of me!  I thought I was paralyzed but per Jing it's just the "energy" flowing throughout my body.  

Recently (the past two sessions) I have had this feeling like something is pulling me.  It feels like when you are on a roller coaster or on something fast and you have a tugging/pulling sensation but your body is not actually moving.  It is soo weird and a few times I actually had to sit up to make the sensation go away but it came right back.  I am sure this is "energy" as well but it makes me realize that these needles are doing something (or maybe I am just crazy!).

Perhaps it is all hocus pocus but when I first started doing acupuncture I had taken an evaluation and much of my energy and qi were "unbalanced."  She then repeated the same test and I was much more balanced.

She uses this test to determine as well as how I am feeling that day where she will stick the needle in.  I am not sure if I will continue acupuncture after I get pregnant but I may do it for a while to hopefully curb my nausea.  With the two last pregnancies I got really really sick.  In the mean time I will continue going weekly so that I can calm down and relax as I wait, and wait, and wait!  Hopefully it will be here before I know it though!!  
                                         

New Contract is Signed

Part of the annoying process of having to pick a new donor means that we have to go through all of the same steps over again.  Not all of them but some of them.  We finally had our consultation with our lawyer on Monday to sign the agency agreement with our agency again.  Thankfully since we are using the same agency again we do not lose the money that have already paid to them.  We really lucked out because some agencies still make you pay a small fee or the whole fee.

It's amazing all of the little steps you have to go through to become a "mom" and "dad" to a donor egg.  It's a lot of unknowns, waiting, and making sure you dot your i's and cross your t's.  Much like the adoption process you have to have legal representation so that all avenues are hopefully covered.  Donor Egg adoption is still relatively new to the infertility world so the laws surrounding the process are still State dependent and not quite as sound as I would like to see them.  Thankfully we live in a state (Thank you Jesus, once again I am thankful we live where we do) where we actually have laws and documents outlying the parental rights of an embryo made from a donor egg and the biological dads sperm.

This is part of the IVF process that is new to me and makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  I know hundreds of kids are born this way but just like I would think the same thing if we ever adopted a baby, it still crosses my mind... "What if the "mom" tries to take the baby back?"

Anyway I have to stop stressing about the little things.  Even my acupuncturist  told me that yesterday!  I told Matt that she said I need to chill out and he said she's right on target.  I think its innate and my true self is just a little bit of an anxious person.  I'm working on that trying to calm myself down but without being able to run my 10+ miles per day it's a little hard to do at times.  I just keep thinking positive thoughts, am trying to enjoy life, and keep looking forward to the next step to get these babies home to our house some day!  I keep trying to motivate myself that this is all worth it.  Sometimes I have to do this to keep going...
 
                                                   

6 years and counting!

This year more than ever I realize that I am really lucky to have a beautiful sound marriage. A few of my close girlfriends marriages fell apart this year and more than ever made me realize I never should take my marriage for granted, especially everything we continue to go through.

 Infertility is such a stressful thing to go through and can really be taxing on a marriage. Most people I talk with that I haven't talked with for a while always ask after I finish catching them up in my baby drama... and how are you and Matt? I can honestly say we are great and Through the whole process I have never once questioned my marriage but there have been plenty of days and nights where I think to my self... This really sucks.

Matt and I always spend our Anniversary reminiscing about the past year.  It has allowed us to reflect on how we've grown as a couple and look back to all of the good things that have happened to us over the year.  We also spend time reminiscing about the good, bad, ugly, happy, funny, embarrassing, weird, and sad moments of the year.  And man have we had a lot of ups and downs yet again.

I asked Matt, through his whole process, has he ever looked at me and questioned us.  What we have gone through, has he asked himself is this worth it?  Will our marriage fall apart?  Are we ok?  

His answer... Raw, a little hard to hear, but honest and totally appropriate.  He answered that no he doesn't think we will ever fall a part because through this whole journey we have fallen more in love with each other but that the past years have definitely been a challenge and not always the most fun.

I agree.  We've been a little more distant with our friends (sorry for that if you are reading this). And a lot more boring!  I constantly struggle with .... Well should we do this? Should we go out? No I don't want to spend the money.... we have ivf coming up.... nah let's pass.... I don't want to go out because I don't want to drink.  In a nutshell I am REALLY GOOD AT MAKING EXCUSES.  I hate that feeling because Matt and I love to spend time with friends and going out but it's constantly a battle of eh maybe next time!!!

So what did we do to celebrate??? We went out with a bang!   I mean a full day!! We celebrated from sun up until sun down.  Not really but it felt like it.   It's not even that big of a deal but when most of our time is spent entertaining ourselves at home or going out a handful of times here and there with friends it makes going out on dates just that much more special. 

So here's a recap of Matt and Jenn's Naperville adventure celebrating 6 years of wedding bliss!  

First Matt got me a new roof for our Anniversary the Wednesday before!  What a guy right?  I know ladies... Be jealous!  Be very jealous!!

                          

Then we celebrated by going to the naperville farmers market to get fresh pastries and berries.  I got an amazing strawberry scone and Matt got a yummy brioche toast/bread thing with orange and almond past and shredded almonds.  We then walked along the naperville river walk and parked our butt for a picnic breakfast with pastries and fresh blackberries.  We then hit a cute local chocolate shop called Le Chocolat De Bouchard and had a delectable Carmel latte.

                                               

After we finished our treats we drove to a local park called Morton Arboretum and rented a tandem bike and peddled 16 miles enjoying each others laughter, beautiful scenery, and our competitive nature to "push hard" to get up those dang hills.  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time but tandem biking really adds a lot to a date day.  I literally almost peed my pants it was so funny.

After our date at the Morton Arboretum we headed home for a bit, rested, and cleaned up to head back to downtown Naperville for a little wine tasting at Devine Celler and had dinner at Meson Sabika.  It's a cute little tapas place that we had been to in the winter but this time we got to sit outside on there patio.  We finished the night by a surprise glass of champagne the waiter brought to us ( I had reserved a table a few weeks prior and noted it was our anniversary).

                

                                                       

Lastly one more glass of wine at home, a little dessert, and a cute little card for each other.  Matt and I don't do gifts for our anniversary for each other.  We have taken some advice from others an albeit boring get practical gifts for each other like roofs, a new bed, a trip, etc..

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Failing Timeline

I don't know why I get so caught up on age and numbers but in a few months, the beginning of October to be exact, it will be 3 years since Matt and I started trying for a family.  

I don't know if I can really comprehend how long three years really is but sometimes it feels like an eternity and sometimes it feels like I have closed my eyes and the past couple of years have flashed by me.  I do know, when I try to quantify the time that we have been trying, I truly am amazed I'm still standing.

3 years... The time it took me to complete middle school, the time you go from being a freshman to a senior in college.  How old my youngest niece is on my side of the family.  It's crazy! 

Most people tell me to be thankful I am young and that we started early.  I am thankful for that but it still doesn't take the pain away knowing that we've been trying for so long with no success.  I had a little plan in my head... A plan of when I would get married (check, that happened earlier than I had planned) and a plan of when I would have kids (by the age of 27 or 28).  And guess what... I'm approaching 29 in 4 months with no kid.  

For a type A control freak you have no idea how hard that is.  I've shared this with some of my girlfriends before.  Infertility is hard because you try and try and try and sometimes you feel like you fall down again and again and sometimes you feel like you finally got it, you've finally reached success.  It's like studying as hard as you can for a test and failing over and over and over again.  I've always had success.  Good grades, somewhat athletic, good job, etc.  So I never had really felt what it feels like to fail.  Well let me tell you, it sucks.  

I'm hoping that the time comes soon, that I will be on the road to success again but until then it's hard to really feel excited and happy again that we are doing in vitro because I've been burned so many times.

On a positive note I just found out this week that the family who used our baby mama about a month ago had a positive pregnancy test.  So hallelujah I do have a little twinkle of hope to hang on to.  I know she's fertile and now I know her eggs work.  So again I am just in the holding pattern until hopefully the middle of October.

I'm trying to make the best of my time waiting to start in vitro again but man is it hard.  Matt and I have actually been super busy lately and have a lot of fun plans coming up the next few weeks. I do keep wishing and wishing that time would speed up and it would be October before I know it.

Anyways I thought I would just share a little about what's on my mind.

Oh and yes one more thing can I add that it's been quite the week of Why her and not me.... Adding to the pregnancy list 2 more coworkers! Ouch!  That brings the grand total to 6 out of like 35 co-workers.  And my sister-in-law.  Some of these I'm totally fine with (the ones married, wanting kids, trying for a second a.k.a my sister-in-law and the doctor I work with) but it kills me when the one girl I found out about tells me after I ask her if she's excited "ehh not really.  I'm too selfish of a person.  My boobs hurt, I miss my wine, and I'm miserable."  Oh lord, again I about lost it!!!  

Oh well, it's the nature of life...  People will always have kids around us, people will be getting pregnant, I just have to stop letting it affect me so much.  Easier said than done though right?  On a funny note I told me accupuncture lady I was sad and it was because everyone around me was knocked up and I wasn't.  You know what the lady told me.  With her cute Asian accent " oh Jenn dis is good.  Dis mean good thing happen for you soon.  In Chinese culture Babies and pregnancy bring good luck!  In China if you have problem getting pregnant you bring pregnant friend over and have her stay with you for few days because it bring good energy..."  Oh Jing I hope you're right!!!!

Another baby mama

Good news everybody!!  We have ourselves another baby mama!  I'm feeling real good about her and our upcoming donor ivf process starting most likely in October.

I hate being jealous of people but man oh man is this chick fertile!  She's got great stats from her previous donor cycles which is why we went ahead and selected her!  

She just finished up a donor cycle last weekend and she had 37 eggs, 26 mature, 17 fertilized, and the couple just implanted 1 excellent embryo on Thursday.

So yes weird that our future children will potentially have siblings (well half) out there that they may never meet but if her eggs give us a new hope and chance to build a family then we are all for it!!

Of course I'm feeling a little emotionally high right now.  Of course just as you all are realizing the "road less traveled" is filled with lots of ups and downs.

I'm hoping that things won't take too long to get things going and hopefully we will be implanting in October!  

I'm just waiting to talk with Dr. Miller's nurse on Monday to see how soon we can get things going.  As long as she has all of the pre-testing done we will just need to wait for her to get 2 periods which will hypothetically take about 6 weeks.  Normally after an egg retrieval you get a period 2 weeks later and then she will need one more after that!  

Onward we go!  Oh and by the way for those that have the "feeling" maybe just maybe I'm going to have twins, I had a dream I got pregnant with triplets!! Yikes let's hope that doesn't happen because I do not think my body or hips are made for that many babies!!

Stay tuned once again!!

Church and Facebook

It's amazing how so many times in my life I have asked for an answer or prayed for a miracle to happen yet neither thing has ever happened.  Matt and I have been going to church more and have really fell in love with Naperville Presbyterian Church.  The pastor is AMAZING and the people are even better!

Today at church I couldn't have asked for a better message or sign from God.  Our pastor preached about Matthew chapter 7 verse 7-11.   The message was about "ask and it will be given."  Which our pastor preached about how so many times in our life we ask for something yet we don't get the answer we had hoped for.  He preached that in the bible if we continue to ask, are persistent, and come with open arms that one day it will all work out.  He preached that one day that whatever you are asking and praying for and all of the hardship that you have to go through will pay off because one day with clarity it will all make sense.

So later while on Facebook I came across a poem that one of my fellow Balanced Translocation buddies (I belong to a little support group on Facebook) had posted and it really connected my prayer for a child and the message from church.  Here it is.....

So I am going to take this as a positive sign in my life.  That all of this is happening for a reason and that one day our house will be filled with lots of tears from beautiful little babies and not my own!

So Cliche

A  while back I posted about how it's always someone else.  Well it happened again.  Last night I had a work meeting and before my meeting I was with a few girls in our managers office.  Our manager said "well Elvia has something she would like to share with everybody. " That pit in my stomach, that feeling that I hate, I already knew before she even opened her mouth that she was pregnant.  

It took all of my might to one not smack the shit out of her and two, not to open my mouth and say some words I would one day regret.  Of course it would have made me feel a hell of a lot better but instead, just like the other girls I hugged her and said congratulations with the shittiest grin on my face.

So why be mad, people get pregnant all the time?  I'm mad because this chick spreads her legs and gets knocked up by her damn boyfriend.  I get it, it's 2015 and people don't believe in the Christian way of life but I do!  Why is it ok that this can happen to her and not me.  I try every avenue sex, no sex, ivf with genetic testing, sex, ivf with a donor and NOTHING just nothing.

The catcher.... She's 18 weeks!  She was too embarrassed and scared to tell everyone so she's been keeping it a secret.  You guys.... I nearly lost my mind when she said that.  Of course you should be embarrassed!  Of course you should be ashamed. You just told an infertile lady you accidentally got pregnant.  Those words burn like sweat in your eyes after a long hot run.

 What happened to the normal life pattern.  So in essence I'm glad I hid behind my poker face because I don't think she would have been able to handle the kind of hateful truthful words I really wanted to share with her but that's life right now.  

Only a true infertile woman can understand what this feels like.  Just needed to vent!  Thanks for listening as always 😳

Not giving up

Just thought I would give you all a quick update.  I've picked myself up off the floor after I threw a tantrum like a baby this weekend.  Matt and I decided rather than sit around and sulk all weekend that we would at least spend the weekend enjoying each other's company and discussing what we want to do.

After a few glasses, ok bottles, and a few cocktails later with lots of tears and laughs we've decided to not give up on the donor process.  We feel in our hearts this is the right decision to one day extending and growing our family.  We would love to have more than one child and the donor process allows us to hopefully have more than one child who would be genetically linked.

It's not a perfect ending yet but we are searching for our new baby momma.  We've reached out to another girl and are currently waiting to see if she would be available this fall.  Not my ideal timeline because like a normal person I want things to happen now but she would have to wait a few months because she is currently finishing up a donor cycle for another couple.

Hopefully we will hear back this week.  If not Matt and I will continue our search and hope and pray we find a new match.

Thanks for all of the love sent our way this weekend!  I would also like to let you know I've enjoyed blogging and sharing our journey with both friends and family and many followers around the world. Although I just started blogging a few months ago it's been fun to also watch and see how many other people read my blog and where they are from.... Currently I have almost 12,000 views from people all around the world.

It warms my heart to know that I am not alone and my journey and openness will help others struggling in the same position.  Cheers!  Thanks for praying and continuing to support us on our long journey.

Skinned knees and another bump in the road

It's hard to imagine things not working out for us but I feel like I have fallen once again and skinned my knees.  Of course I will get up, brush them off, and once again pretend that nothing happened but until then I'm just going to lay here for a while.

So what does this mean.  I cannot even believe I am typing this but yesterday I got a call from our donor agency letting us know that our donor will no longer be going through with the ivf process.  I really didn't even have any words.  I just sat on the phone and cried.

What do you mean.  She just wasted 5 months of my time only to tell me no.  Are you kidding me.  Apparently after she and her husband met with their lawyer the husband was concerned about the donor taking ivf medication.  He thought it was going to harm her so he refused to allow her to proceed with the process.

Not only is that an insane thing but it is so irrational.  If it were going to harm her hello why in the hell would I have taken it 4 times.  What good would a donor agency, reproductive clinic, or any other person in this business be if it were harming women.

So after lots of tears and more tears I am once again sitting here with Matt trying to make a decision.  What do we do?  Why does this keep happening?  Is this real life?  

I cannot explain how hard it is to try and have children when you suffer from a genetic condition.  It's the hardest thing I have have gone through and yet the harder I fight the worse it gets.  There is no cure, no simple fix, and no surgical procedure.  All we have is luck and lately we have not had luck on our side.

Of course this is how it goes right.... Remember my post a few months ago about things going wrong. Well here we go again.  Matt said it was fate... Murphy's Law.  Well when is it going to be right? I cannot think of two more deserving people and all we get is nothing.  Tears of sadness never joy.  

I took the day for myself to wrap my head around what our agency told me.  I talked with our lawyer and we won't lose too much of the money if we don't pursue another donor.  I'm still waiting to hear back from my nurse from Dr. Miller's office.  So now we just keep weighing our options.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Part of our decision also weighs heavily of wanting a family and not just one child.

So if you believe in miracles please pray one lands our way.  I think if we ever have children it will be a miracle and not just because we "tried"

Emptying my pocket book

I don't talk much about our personal finances.  Matt and I have been blessed with two great jobs (he's an accountant and I am a nurse) but even so it sometimes feel like so much more money is going out rather than coming in.

Our agency required two installments for the payment of our donor agreement.  I paid the final part this week and oh my goodness I could think of about 100 things I would have loved to have spent that money on otherwise..  Down payment on a beautiful cottage, dream vacation abroad, saved up for our future kids college or weddings, the list goes on and on.

Our Journey through the infertility process has not been a cheap one.  We definitely have not chosen the cheapest route either but sometimes it is so frustrating to work so hard to get ahead financially only to dump thousands of dollars into trying to have a family with nothing to show.

At 28 and 29 most people that are married are living the DINK life.  For those that do not know what a DINK is it stands for Dual Income No Kids.  Matt and I had that for a few years post college and wooweee it was amazing.  Our friends that are currently experiencing that now I definitely am a little jealous of.

Now this post isn't to get pity its more just to share another aspect of infertility that most people don't see or think about.  In addition to all of the crazy emotions and stress I do tend to stress about the financial implications of IVF.  This January after I had cut back on my hours for work (by choice) and started freaking out about paying for all of the IVF bills I went a little crazy on "saving."  I always find humor in my pity/stressful life of trying to have kids so I started googling and pinning on pinterest ways to save money.

I started following some crazy blogs about families living off of $14,000 dollars a year and tried some of their tricks and techniques.  Matt was ready to kill me (just a little this past winter) but with some research and great ideas I started "frugally living." I might have gone a little over board (I cut the cable, bought a ROKU/OOMA, made homemade laundry soap, cut way back on groceries, created my own lean cuisines that came out to $0.27 per meal, to name a few.) but it worked! My mom and dad came to visit this winter and I think that they thought I had lost my mind but a girls got to do what a girls got to do to get those dang babies right!!

I really impressed myself and realized how easy it is to cut some corners.  I also started to do some new things to save or spend less because one day I would like to stay home with my babies and will eventually lose my salary so why not start early.  I will go into details another day on my "frugal living."

In addition to paying off the total amount with our donor agency I started my birth control last night.  We are inching forward and moving along.  Our next step is to finalize our agreement with our lawyer and hers to ensure full legal custody of the embryos that will hopefully be our future children.  

Hopefully in about 4 weeks we will start all of the medication and we will be making babies in no time!!!!

 

Losing my genetic link

I've been thinking a lot about how I will feel once I do finally fall pregnant again... It's hard to put it into words.  I will be beyond happy but so so scared.  After all, my last pregnancy did end at 5.5 months and the thought of that happening again brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. 

A few weeks ago as part of the donor process Matt and I had to meet with a psychologist.  At first Matt and I were pretty skeptical... I mean seriously if we can get over the death of a child and 5 miscarriages I think we are mentally capable of making an informed decision to use a donor egg but had to go anyway so we tried to go with an open mind.  

We first scheduled an appointment back in May with a local psychologist.  She did her evaluation in two appointments instead of one.  We had our first appointment which consisted of us telling our long fertility story and her asking a few questions.  We then scheduled another appointment with her a week later however due to an emergency she had to cancel on us.  Needless to say that Emergency turned into a long long leave and we had to find a new psychologist.  Although super super annoying I was eventually ok with it because she was a little nutty herself.

So we met with Dr. Silvia Fox in Glencoe, Illinois.  I really liked her.  Very knowledgable and very nice.  She even new what Balanced Translocation was.  Most people look at me like I am speaking in a foreign language and really have no idea just how horrible this stupid genetic thing really is when I try to explain it. 

You know it's always something with us.  So funny thing happened before we were about to meet her. We had about an hour drive from naperville to Glencoe. We left a little early and had enough time to grab a quick Starbucks before our appointment.  Coincidentally her office (so we thought) was the door right next to Starbucks entrance.  

So we walk open the door walk up the stairs to find two doors.  One on the left and one on the right.  Let me tell you it didn't smell pretty in here.... Very old and very musty.  The door on the right had a gaudy old ugly wreath on it and the door on the left had nothing.  I guessed the door on the left first but it was locked.  Matt opened the door on the right a low and be hold it looked like a psych office out of a horror movie.  Book harder galore but it had all of the right pieces: couch, desk, writing utensils.  Matt and I looked at each other, NO THIS CANNOT BE HER OFFICE.  Well she told us to make ourselves comfortable if she wasn't there so we decided to wait for her in the hallway (it smelled a little better).  I looked at Matt again and said we better make sure we have the right office I cannot imagine Dr. Miller would recommend a place this disgusting.  So Matt looks and sure enough wrong address. Whoopsie!! So we ran out and found the correct office.  So much nicer and normal looking.  No couch in her office just two nice comfy chairs.

I won't share all of the personal things we talked about but we touched on two really important topics. One how will I grieve the genetic loss with a donor egg baby and two how will we tell our children.  The donor egg process and bringing home a beautiful baby sounds so amazing but on the flip side you also realize how complicated it can be and realize that there are quite a few "things" to think about.  

I have not quite gotten over the fact that my babies won't hold my genetic material and I still cry about it but it does bring me comfort in knowing that I will never be able to pass on balance translocation to them.  At the end of the day Matt and I want a family and after three years of trying we think that this is the best next step for us to hopefully allow us to bring home a baby or two!  

We have decided to share openly with our children about the story of their life.  The psychologist had some great recommendations and suggested to start from birth rather than holding a "secret" until they are a teenager.  She said most people call the donor something like the "special egg lady" that had to help mommy and daddy make a baby.  I'm not sure what kind of story Matt and I will come up with.  We do know that we don't want our children hearing from someone else instead of us that they were a product of ivf.

And as always God shined his little light into our life and reassured me that this was all going to be ok.  She told us a story about how in a 9th grade biology class in Chicago they were talking about genetics and the subject of ivf came up. The teacher asked if any of the students had been conceived via ivf. She said about 9 out of maybe 25-30 students had raised their hands.  She looked at us and said although it may feel like it your children will not be alone. Sometimes in so many ways I think it was fate for Matt and I to live in Chicago.  

So on a spiritual note I do pray that with time my emotions and sadness will get easier and I can with each week of a pregnancy let go of the guard I will put up in fear of getting attached too early and losing another baby so late in a pregnancy.  

Just keep swimming Just keep swimming

Before I update you all on our progress I thought I'd share some fun pictures from our 4th of July vacation in Michigan.  We spent the first half with Matt's family in Muskegon (our hometown) and the second half in Alpena at my families cottage.  It was perfect!  We ate way too much food, enjoyed some adult beverages, hung around lots of family, and sat on our butts to relax in the sun.  It was a perfect vacation to relax before our next big In Vitro adventure.  

Here he is... Nothing says USA like a pair of American Flag pj pants!  

 Below is from the "golf outing" Matt, my dad, and I took Mama D on.

 

It wouldn't be a cottage vacation without a bonfire and s'mores!

Anyways we finally are moving a long.  Our donor had her initial blood work drawn to ensure that hormonally she is a good candidate.  Everything was in the clear with the exception of a slightly elevated thyroid level.  For fertility treatments they need hers to be slightly lower so she started on some thyroid medication.  Yesterday she flew to Chicago to haver her evaluation with Dr. Miller and per our Agency everything went well.  We now just have to wait for the genetic testing to ensure that everything genetically is fine and we should be all set to start in the middle of August!

Still Waiting...

We hit a bit of a road bump with our donor.  We are still waiting for her to get the initial blood work drawn to ensure hormonally she is a good candidate.  She was supposed to have gotten this done about a month ago but due to some miscommunication between our doctor and donor this has been delayed.

I got a call from my nurse the beginning of June to let me know that the donor had started her birth control pack and never had the blood work drawn.  Needless to say I was not happy.  Ok I'll admit it, I really lost it.  Uncontrollable sobbing lost it.  Once again I realized how hard fertility is and no road or path is really a quick fix to my balanced translocation problem.  I was mad at her, mad at the agency, and mad at my doctors office.  

How could one stupid step be so hard.... "Call the doctors office when you get your period so you can get the blood work drawn."  All I could think of was if she cannot handle this than how is she going to handle directions of injecting herself full of medicine.  

After I got the message from the nurse regarding the situation it was too late in the day to call back.  Thank god I had a night to get a grip onf myself because I was ready to fire the donor.  After a few conversations with the nurse and our agency I realized truthfully what had happened.  She had gotten her period but it was just really light. The nurse explained to me that the birth control she currently takes barely gives her a period. ( phew because I also freaked out and thought that she didn't even get a period a huge red flag in the infertile world of a hormonally bad candidate)  She had in fact called to let them know but Instead of the clinic recognizing that this was her "normal" period for her they told her to wait until she had a full flowing period.  Instead of her asking any additional questions she waited and never got anything more so she went ahead and started her next birth control pack without calling Dr. Millers office.  

I'm still mad about it but realize that I would rather have the miscommunication in the beginning rather than later when we are dealing with precise directions and follow-up.  

So anyways Dr. Miller shortened her birth control and she finished her last pill on June 24th.  We are now just waiting for her to get her light period and get the blood drawn.  So hopefully in the next couple of days we will get another green light that she can come in to see Dr. Miller and get his stamp of approval with the rest of the genetic testing and blood work.  

So in the mean time Matt and I have been continuing to enjoy life and a break from all of the ivf medication.   Matt had a golf outing with his buddies at our old Alma Mater Michigan State, I had a mother/daughter/sister shopping weekend in Chicago, spent a long weekend with my old college besties in Austin Texas, and am looking forward to spending time in a little bit with family "home" in Muskegon and at our family cottage in Alpena.  

Summer is breezing by but hopefully we will continue to enjoy the last few weeks ( month and a half) until we get this baby making show on the road.  

Trying new things

I promised myself that this upcoming round of ivf using a donor egg I would be willing to try anything to help increase my chances.  Well either I've lost my mind or I am just really desperate for a child I decided to start doing accupuncture.  Yep you read that correctly.  

Where you willingly lay on a table and have someone stick needles in your body.  Crazy right!  Although it's not going to fix my genetic condition I figured it is not going to hurt!  So I started 3 weeks ago.  I had my 3rd session today and it's going well.  Let me start off with my first time...

I go to this cute little Chinese lady "jing". She has been doing this for more than 25 years.  I had my first appointment a few weeks ago and she read my pulses and had me hold some metal stick thing to measure my energy balance and pulses.  After she finished she was able to show me a graph on the computer about how healthy and balanced I was...  Needless to say according to her readings I'm not and I am very unhealthy.  She's going to fix me though.   Now I almost started laughing after she told me this ( hello I am a nurse and practice western medicine and usually think this eastern Chinese medicine is a little crazy but again, I reminded myself to be open minded).  I held my composure and listened to what she had to say and then followed her into an exam room.

She had me change into a gown and then came back in.  The accupuncture session started with her massaging my head, scalp, ears, arms, and legs.  She then stuck about 10 needles in total on my head, stomach, wrists, and feet.  She turned a heat lamp on my stomach turned the lights off and left me to Lay there.

Again I started laughing to myself... Seriously this is nuts.  I've lost my mind.  I just willingly let a complete stranger stick 10 needles in me and leave them in and walk away.  All I could think about was how stupid this was.  I didn't feel anything.  And then all of a sudden things started to change.  I felt it.  This overwhelming tingling numbing sensation.  It felt as if my legs were pulsing and I started to panic.  Oh lord did she paralyze me, is this normal, what is this?  I wiggled my toes, yep they moved, wiggled my legs, yes they moved. Oh thank heavens I was fine so I laid there longer.  Thankfully jing came to check on me and I asked if this was normal and ok.  She told me this was good, it was the energy I was feeling.  

So I laid there for a while longer, numb, still in shock that such tiny needles could create such an intense feeling.  Eventually she came in and pulled them out and as quickly as the feeling came on it just as quickly ended.  So needless so say after my first time I was convinced that maybe this isn't so nuts after all.  Hence why I now have gone 3 times.

Each time she has placed more needles in different spots and each time the same overwhelming tingling body numbing feeling sensation comes back.  It really is nuts.  A sensation I've never felt before.  She's focusing on points or meridians ( which is the special lingo she uses) to help lower my stress and anxiety and help with circulation to my fertility organs.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a ball of nerves with all of this in vitro stuff. I am not sure if I feel different quite yet, too hard to tell but I have been sleeping better.

Not much else has changed.  We are just waiting to get clearance and the go ahead that our baby momma is good to go.  So keep waiting with us, it's the hardest and worst part about all of this!

Just in case you wondered how big the needle is.  

Update!

It feels a little like we are on a VERY slow boat to China right now.  Although we have moved forward with the egg donation process we still have a lot to do and wait for.

It's quite the process.  Lots of legalities when trying to have or make a baby the totally unconventional way.  So this is where we stand...

1.  Picked an egg donor

2. Reached out to the donor agency and selected our donor aka baby momma

3. Selected a lawyer... Oh yes custody!  We wouldn't want baby momma coming and chasing down her DNA after I've carried and birthed the child.  So thus far we have only signed our contract agreement with the donor agency and agreed upon a final amount that we will owe 

4.  Paid the initial fee to the donor agency of $$$$.... It's all worth it right???

5. Baby momma had her psych evaluation!!! Yay she is normal.  Check that one off the list!!

6.  Matt and Jenn visit the shrink in Naperville!  Yes we too have to have a psych evaluation to ensure we are mentally ok. Matt and I about died when we heard that we had to go.  Seriously lady if 5 miscarriages one at 5.5 months and almost 3 years of trying to have a kid haven't put us in the loony bin than I think we are ok.  We've done part one of our visit and have another appointment next week. Thank you modern medicine for "billing" for two appointments because we "ran out of time to answer all of the questions".  So thus far we think we've passed... Next week will really be the test

7.  Now we wait... Baby momma should be expecting her period, I mean Aunt Flo, next week.  Once she gets her period, on the 3rd day of her period she will go to a local clinic close to her hometown and get blood work and an ultrasound

If all of that is good... Next step is for her to come to Chicago to meet with Dr. Miller and get more testing done.  So many steps to ensure she is a good match.  Thus far it looks like we will be starting ivf injections the end of July and then implanting in August with hopefully two really good embryos.  Twins wouldn't be so bad right ?