Happy Birthday Sweet Boy

Each year I dread November.  It brings back so many awful memories, feelings, and sadness.  Each year gets a little easier but November 21st is still a day my heart feels empty and my soul even emptier.  Matt and I celebrated our sweet little boy by taking the girls to his gravestone and bringing him a balloon.

  Although we still shed tears we could only laugh at the sight (and we know Collin was laughing too) of his sisters shaking a balloon and running and jumping between gravestones. Thank you Emma and Maddie for keeping life light and not too heavy during what used to be the darkest day of the year.  We honored him by having a date night, eating yummy food, drinking wine, and crying and laughing and reminiscing about life with my momma.  

Although life isn’t what i thought it was going to look like.  I’ll take it, keep living it, and let go of what it should have been.  

Happy Birthday sweet boy.... you should have been four.  You should have been running and chasing your sisters and you should have been here in my arms.  But instead I can only wish and dream of those things.  

Mischievous Emma

If only my life were a YouTube video sometimes I’d laugh a little harder.  I usually take my baby monitor with me when we travel but for some reason this time I didn’t.  This past weekend we traveled back to Michigan to surprise Matt’s Uncle for a retirement party.  Boy was that fun but that is not why I’m blogging.  

Little Miss Emma did it again.  She seemed to get herself into the biggest pickle and quite frankly all I could do was laugh.  Matt’s Mom and Dad have been working very hard on a timeline banner thing for an upcoming event that their church is putting on.  It’s about to turn 100 years old.  They had these awesome banners made and previously were in their living room.  I told Bob “why don’t you put them in your bedroom .. that way they won’t get ruined”. FAMOUS LAST WORDS RIGHT...

Well Saturday afternoon rolled around and it was nap time.  Matt so nicely set up the girls pac n play beds in grandma and grandpas bedroom.  I fed them lunch and then put them down for a nap.  All sounded quiet or so I thought until Matt’s sister came downstairs and said “Jenn could one of the girls be poopy?”  Perhaps ... they don’t usually poop before a nap but I will go check.  And then holy shot of all shit I walk into total toddler chaos.  Thankfully no poop was spread but Emma had sneakily gotten out of bed, made a complete disaster out of EVERY POSTER BANNER, threw them into her bed, threw the clothes that were on the bed into her bed, and hightailed her little Heiny back into bed like nothing had happened.  

When momma bear walked in the girls were jumping up and down screaming having the grandest time with these dang posters.  And all I could think and say was oh I’m so sorry.  How could I not laugh... but really I kind of wanted to cry.  I quickly yelled for some help. The aunties came to save me, help me quickly get everything pulled out so we could assess the damage.  Thankfully only a few were really ruined and needed to be replaced.  

Matt did the honor of telling his mom and Dad and when grandma came home she asked Emma what she did all she did was grin the biggest grin from ear to ear and laugh to herself.  She knew she was naughty ... funny naughty but so innocently got away with it.  Oh Emma girl... you keep me on my toea

Oh What A day!

I’ve decided I need to start blogging my days more often.  I don’t know if I can truly capture how crazy my days are but I’ll do my best.  Being a mom to two toddler twin girls just keeps getting better, busier, and funnier by the day.  Emma especially keeps me on my toes.  I’m just waiting for the moment I call Matt and say “we’re headed to the ER because of...”

So anyways.. it’s Thursday no big deal, your typical day.  It starts out like this 

Monkey Maddie and Monkey Emma enjoying their new prizes from Dad... a free back scratcher he got from a golf event yesterday.  Oh and did I mention they know how to climb on the furniture now!  And why wouldn’t the window sill be the perfect place to play

On Thursdays I go to a little church moms group so I decided to shower and get ready.  Heaven for bid I let these little girls out of my site while I shower so during the 5 minutes I was in there they completely demolished the bathroom.  TP everywhere, every dental floss pick on the ground, anything in my drawer emptied.  While they may not be tall enough to see anything they’ve discovered that tip toes and creeping hands can do magical things.  

Once I finished my shower I opened the bathroom door so they could roam free.  During the 2 minutes I was getting dressed Emma found a candle, broke it, and put the glass in her mouth.  I only discovered this when I laid her down to change her diaper that she had pieces of glass in her mouth.  My heart skipped twenty four beats but thankfully she didn’t swallow any.

We then proceeded downstairs.  Maddie girl discovered that if she pulled the pirate booty snack bag down it made a perfect step so she could reach more things to pull off the kitchen pantry shelves.  Fast forward to after lunch Emma insisted on getting into her high chair by herself.. which is a relatively new discovery and talent of hers. One that I don’t like one bit because she’s yet to figure out how to SAFELY get down.  

The next big adventure of the day was the park.  Just while I think things are going great Emma wanders over to a park bench while Maddie is on top of the play place.  No big deal right... WRONG.  Some dumb Mom left her child’s soppy cup with god only knows what in it and I can’t leave Maddie or else I risk her falling about 6 feet.  These are the every day challenges a twin Mom faces.  Do you let your child drink what appears to be probably spoiled milk because your other child is on the play place.  Or do you leave your child who is on the play place hoping and praying she’ll just go safely down the slide by herself and not toward the open part and fall 6 feet to run over and pull god only knows what away from the other. Well I chose Maddie over Emma and who knows if and what she drank 🤢.  

And to my one last and final touch of the day I was in my bedroom putting some clothes away and the girls were roaming the other rooms upstairs ... crash .. tumble of course Emma.  Laying on the bathroom floor crying.  Who knows if she was on top of the toilet or on top of the edge of the bathtub but again the poor child took a tumble.  

And there you have it folks... just a typical Thursday in the life adventure of Emma and Maddie.  Now excuse me while I go pour myself a glass of wine 

Twins are hard... like really hard

I thought that the newborn stage was pretty easy with twins.  Yes there were many sleepless nights, tears, and more tears but all in all it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought.  5 month old twins were hard, all of a sudden baby A and B didn’t know how to sleep so we went through again many sleepless nights.  But now oh my oh my.  Toddler twins = a lot of work.  

Work in the aspect that you literally cannot take your eyes off of them.  Work in the sense that when one is having a good day the other is not so you technically never really get a break.  

Activities out have to be strategically planned so that I know it’s a “safe place” and that no one is going to get hurt ... well I mean really hurt.  

Take today for example.  Twins.... library story time... toddlers.  Yes I know I’m crazy for even going, but hey you can’t sit at home by yourself all day long.  So I’m there at story time and it’s about 8 minutes in and of course they, meaning Emma and Maddie start to get wiggly .. like normal toddlers so I let them out of my hands.  And two seconds later Emma is running full force into a chair in front of the room.  Tears start flowing.. meanwhile Maddie is already in my left arm ... so I scoop Emma up in my right and make a mad dash for the bathroom.  Her lip is bleeding so I have to set Maddie down.  While trying to tend to Emma I turn around and see Maddie out of the corner of my eye heading to swish and swirl in the toilet.  Get it folks... it’s never a dull moment.  So I finally get Emma’s lip to stop bleeding and head back into story time to put them in the stroller and take off.  

So yes we picked up, got ready, went to story time for 8 minutes, to get a bloody lip, pack up, and head home.... can I just say twins are fun, amazing, but oh so hard at the same time.  The next 6 months are going to be interesting. 

Twin Life = Busy Life

I’ve taken a little hiatus from my blog updates because quite frankly I just have not had the time.  But my oh my have these little ladies changed so much.  They keep me on my toes and it is never a dull moment ... stay tuned I’ll be updating more about the girls, their personalities, and anything and everything else I’ve missed over the last few months. 

Sadness after so many years

It's funny how life seems so perfect right now.  I've been married for almost 8 years to my high school sweetheart, I have the privilege to stay at home with two beautiful babies, I have the flexibility to work from home and continue my passion for nursing, and I have two beautiful miracle babies yet I still have a very large hole in my heart that seems to grow when someone close to me goes through something similar. 

A few weeks ago one of my good friends texted asking that I pray for her sister who was heavily bleeding and only 21.5 weeks pregnant. Fast forward about 1 week later she gave birth early to a sweet baby girl, Jane, just shy of 23 weeks.  Her story is a little different.. Jane was big enough to live for 6 beautiful days but unfortunately just too premature to make it.  While I didn't personally know this girl I know her sister.  And with a heavy heart I prayed hard that she would end up with a miracle story and that their family would not experience the heartache that ours went through.  A sad ending for her made me sad for her and sad for myself.  

I feel like at times I have a little PTSD.  I went through a traumatic experience giving birth to a baby that never went home with me.  While I have suppressed many of my emotions every now and then they get the best of me and the tears just start flowing.  I still yearn to hold and watch Collin.  I dream of watching him meet his monthly milestones and develop into a witty little boy.  While my dreams will never be a reality I know that some day in heaven we will meet again.  

I don't talk about it often anymore.  I blog about it every now and then and shed tears on the phone with my mom, on Matt's shoulder, or quietly to myself.  Even after 3.5 years it still hurts just as much as it did before.  Sometimes I cry holding Emma and Maddie and they look at me like "mom why are you crying. Don't be sad". I usually wipe my tears on their cheek and squeeze and hold them tight because I know just how precious they are and how precious life is.  

The girls are almost one and while it's been the best year of my life I still hav days that I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry and sleep the day away.  If only I could turn back the clock.  I just keep reminding myself how much our journey has taught me and some days I just wish I would b lucky enough to say I that we never exprienced any of this.

Sleep Training Twins

I thought that I would never say this but both girls are finally sleeping through the night.  It took some tough love and many sleepless nights for me to finally give in and sleep train.  Best decision ever.  I wish I had done it sooner.  Maddie and Emma have always been decent sleepers but as he months kept going on it was getting harder and harder to put them to sleep.  Right from the get go I nursed both of them to sleep.  Nursing a 3, 4, or 5 month old and putting them done gently so they do not wake up is no problem.  Putting a 9 month old down is.  So here I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Do I sleep train or continue what I was doing which clearly wasn't working for me.

While we were on vacation the girls slept horrible.  Maddie would not sleep in her pack n play and they both screamed going to bed and in the middle of the night.  Although we had a great vacation, it was a little rough in the sleeping realm.  Fast forward to the week after we got home from vacation, the horrible sleeping continued.  4 nights in a row I slept proppped up on a pillow holding Maddie so we could get some sleep.  That's when I decided enough is enough and the next day I would not be doing that again.  

So what did I do.  Well panic of course and then quickly talk to a few friends about what worked for them as well as read a few articles and a sleep training program.  I decided to do a combination of all of them.  A few days of hard crying did the trick.  

Emma has always been a better sleeper but would sometimes wake up when Maddie would cry.  So first step I decided to split the girls up. Maddie is in our guest bedroom in a pack n play and Emma is in her bed.  One day we will go back to sharing a room but not until they can sleep on their own without any problems.  Second step I did what I normally did and nursed / bottle fed both to sleep.  Emma figured out on her own how to cry or play herself to sleep so I fortunately didn't need to ever train her.  The sleep training was just for Maddie.  On the first night when she woke up I went in and fed her and instead of doing it over and over until eventually I could put her down without her waking up I just put her down and let her cry.  She was safe, fed, and had a dry diaper so I knew all she needed was me... which wasn't going to happen.  I then went back to bed, turned the monitor off, and set an alarm for 2 hours.  Some may call this harsh but I've learned that periodic checks only make her more mad.  So I went with the full extinction method.  I fell back asleep and when I woke up to my alarm she was out... not crying.  

The next night I decided to feed her to sleep but instead of letting her fall asleep as soon as she got drowsy I kept talking to her so she never fell asleep.  I then put her in her bed drowsy and she only cried for maybe 20 minutes and then slept the whole night.  The next night... same thing.  It really only took about 1 hard day of crying for her to figure out the night time sleeping.  Nap time I did the same routine but it's taken a bit longer.  She's getting it now and is sleeping much better.  

So why did I wait so long. Matt had an incredibly busy season and the last thing I wanted to hear all by myself was a week of a screaming baby with no help or support from him.  Sometimes I miss nursing Maddie in the middle of the night.  The closeness and bond of holding a baby in the nighttime I wil cherish forever but for now I'll take sleeping all night.  

Mother's Day

This year I got to celebrate Mother's Day.  Although I've been a "Mom" technically for 3 years to an angel baby I never ever celebrated a day where all it ever did was remind me of what I yearned for and didn't have.  This year was different.  It was the first year I didn't cry.  It was the first year where I felt no anxiety about becoming a mom.  Instead I was showered with lots of hugs and kisses from my girls and Matt spoiled me with Dimple's Donuts (our favorite donut shop in Naperville) and a starbuck's latte.  I also got a little bouquet of flowers from the little neighbor girl down the street.  Although it's technically just a "hallmark" holiday Mother's Day can be such a hard day reminding so many women what they don't have.

9 Months

     

These little sweet petites are 9 months old and just as sweet as can be.  Emma and Maddie turned 9 months on the 14th and we had our doctor appointment this past wednesday.  Emma weighed in at 18 pounds 11 ounces and 29 inches long.  Maddie weighed in at 18 pounds 7 ounces and 28.5 inches long.  These girls are long and lean... 90% for height and 50 % for weight. I am so proud of how far they have come from their little meager 1% when they were first born.

The past few months have just been amazing to see how much they have grown and developed.  Emma is crawling all over the place (just finally mastered that this weekend) and Maddie is army crawling like she is on a mission and even faster than her sister on all fours.  Maddie can pull herself up onto her knees and Emma can do so and every now and then get herself up to her feet.  The true "pull to stand" is just around the corner and I'm afraid walking will follow soon behind.

These girls babble up a storm saying baba, momma, da da, and laugh and giggle like you would not believe.  They have already started acting like true "sisters" fighting over toys, specifically the remote control, moms ipad or i phone.

Emma as 4 teeth (two top and two bottom) and Maddie has what I would call 2 and 2 coming in.  She has her two bottom and her two top teeth are just starting to peak through.

We've been busy playing with friends to keep busy.  The two neighbor boys keep these little girls entertained and they have two little boyfriends Douglas and Henry that we hang out with on a regular basis.  We've started going to story time and just joined a baby and mommy gym.  \

Life feels like it is moving at a rapid pace right now and to be quite honest it makes me a little sad.  I am happy that the girls are FINALLY big enough that we can start to do some fun activities but my baby baby girls are not so newborn anymore and really are turning into little toddlers with personalities and minds of their own.  They sure are entertaining to say the least.  We have some busy weeks ahead of us but all fun stuff full of family time, traveling, and getting set for lots of summer activities.

G' Day Mate

We survived a whole week without Matt/ Daddy.  Matt had his first work trip abroad and traveled a VERY long 23 hours to Sydney and Melbourne Australia.  He left St. Patrick's Day and returned this past Friday.  It's funny how previously I didn't get nervous about Matt flying but now with the girls, my stomach feels like it is in a knot until I get a text from him that says "here!"

You might wonder why...besides the obvious  I depend on Matt completely to take care of us, financially that is.  Something I am still coming to terms with but god help us if something ever happened to him because on my nursing salary I could not afford to take care of us and afford our mortgage.  Let alone I just would miss the crap out of him and would hate to be a single mom.

We stayed busy to help pass the time.  Uncle TJ came to visit and stayed with us on Friday and Saturday.  We celebrated St. Patrick's Day weekend drinking Guinness, eating some chicago favorites ( Dimple's Donuts, Portillo', and some good ole deep dish Chicago Pizza).  We also went to our friend's house (Henry) who is 6 months old, went to story time, had a few friends over, and had a baby sitter for some me time and a little nursing work I needed to take care of.

The week was long in the sense I was soo ready for Matt to come home, but it felt super fast since I was so busy.  I'll share a few pictures that Matt snapped of his quick trip.  He even picked up some cute souvenirs for the girls and I.

In a blink of an eye

In a blink of an eye my little babies are growing into toddlers.  No longer do I have the days of sitting and cuddling them as I stare at them sleeping in my arms.  These crazy little girls are 8 months and busier than ever.

We had an appointment at the doctors for a nasty cold this past week so I can officially say that the girls weigh 17 lbs 11 oz.  Funny that they way exactly the same because they eat very differently.  Maddie still prefers her milk, either from the bottle (formula) or momma's milk.  Emma loves her food.  Their really isn't much that girl will not eat except for something spicy.  She didn't like my chili.

The girls are trying so so hard to crawl.  Maddie can slither away like a little snack army crawling all over the floor.  She prefers to sit these days if she is not moving.  If she lays on her tummy she just whines and whines until I pick her up or bring the toy that she is begging for. She still is my needy baby and would prefer to be either on or very close to me.  She likes me only at an arms distance or else she puts on a good tear filled show.  Of course I am a sucker for "my baby" and she's got me wrapped around her little finger so I am always right there by her side. Maddie attempts to babble and talk and loves to say "Hey."  It's like her little secret code word she uses with her dad.  He says it and she repeats it back.  Her smile is infectious and although a handful sometimes melts our hearts 1000 times over.

Emma can get on all fours and rock her self (Maddie can too, just not as well) and can also army crawl.  If I had to put money on it, I'd say Emma crawls before Maddie.  But last week I would have said the complete opposite.  Emma said her first "word"... momma and I nearly cried.  She also says baba, baaa, and other sounds but momma was the first word that sounds like an actual word.  She is precious as pie and just the most easy going baby.  I wish she liked to cuddle more but when she does I hold her tight because I know it's little these days.  She is my little busy body wiggle worm.  She is always on the go, moving about.  

This momma is still hanging in there.  I have not been blogging because life seems to be just flying by in front of my eyes.  Matt has been incredibly busy with work, working 80+ hours every week for the past 2.5 months so I have been a "single" mom trying to raise twins, keep my house some what clean, and work in the evenings.  It leaves little time for me to do fun stuff like blogging, however, I have missed it.

If you have tried to look at the blog I also have been terible at blogging because they have not updated their Iphone APP so it is not as convenient to blog.  Hope life is great for everyone.  Keep following us along...

Life is about to get real interesting chasing these girls around!!

6 Month Update

It has been a while since I've had the time to actually sit down and blog about the girls.  Life is getting busier by the day with these two.  2 weeks ago we had the girls 6 month checkup.  I cannot believe it has already been 6 months but just like the saying goes "time sure does fly when you are having fun.  The girls were again very close in height and weight.  Emma weighed 14.7 lbs and Maddie weighed 14.10 lbs.  I cannot remember the exact heights but I think Emma was 23.75 and Maddie was 23.25.  So what's life in a nut she'll look like these days... oh where oh where do I even begin.

Let's see Emma had two teeth and two more on the way.  Maddie is trailing behind with none but the two bottom teeth look like they want to make their way out any day.  They both roll front to back and back to front and are working on sitting.  Right now they can only prop sit or sit up holding my hand. It sure will be nice once they can sit up!  A whole new look at life for them.  They both are attempting very very hard to crawl... thankfully for now without success.  This momma is not quite ready for crawling twins.  One I have not baby proofed the house and two yikes I'm going to be even busier.

The girls temperaments are definitely showing their true and different colors these days.  Maddie is still my cuddle queen and loves to be held. She finally stopped using my boob as a pacifier thank god and is no longer stuck to me like a leech.  Emma loves to cuddle and as fast as she gets comfortable for about 2 seconds she starts to wiggle her way out so she can play.  The girl is a ball of energy and her legs literally do not stop moving all day.  But beware when the girl is tired out her down for a nap or else she turns into a screaming hot mess.

They are just starting to really notice each other.  I'll put one in the jumperoo and the other in the exersaucer and for about 10 minutes or more they sit and talk with each other and laugh and giggle. The secret twin language has finally begun and my oh my will it melt your heart.

I know many enjoy reading about the girls and seeing pictures so I will try to be better about updating . Between loads and loads of laundry, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, pumping, play time, feeding them real people food, and working at night time doing some of my old nursing work I do not have a lot of free time

Gregory The Goiter is Gone

I had my partial thyroidectomy yesterday and great news!  No Cancer!  I had about a baseball size thyroid nodule/ cyst removed.  My brother nick named it Gregory and I thought it was fitting.  So now I have to wait about one week for the final pathology result but it appears to not be as of right now.