April Fools

Last year April fools ( April 1, 2014) was supposed to ( or at least close to it) bring me so much joy.  That was my official due date with Collin.... Except I obviously never got there.  Days like tomorrow are always hard.  It's a milestone I look at that I will never cross.  What could have been my babies first birthday now is just a silly day where plenty of people play dirty little tricks on each other and has no meaning to me other than another sad day in the books.

Sometimes I think I have too many sad days... Certain days in my life are filled  with memories of miscarriage, heartache, and a whole lot of pain.  One day I know I will be beyond blessed with a beautiful family but until then I will live through my hard days hoping that one day they will begin to turn into better days.  

 We are still working on and thinking on the idea of whether we pursue an egg donor, continue with ivf as we have been, or try naturally again.  I know that no matter what Matt and I decide we won't have any regrets if/when it brings us a child but it just is so hard to make sure we are making the right decision. 

I'm not sure there is a right decision, just a decision to follow my heart.  Matt and I are going to be going on a road trip.  We haven't spent a whole lot of time together talking about our next plan because quite frankly Matt has been just way too busy.  I'm hoping that a nice 10+ hours in the car will allow us to talk and discuss our feelings and maybe make a decision.