9 and 10 weeks old

       

My oh my have these little ones kept me busy lately.  In addition to taking care of them as a SAHM I have jumped on the working band wagon again and have been working 2-6ish hours a day to try and meet a work deadline.  Needless to say tending to these little lads doesn't give me a whole lot of time to work during the day so I've had some late nights and long days with only 3-4ish hours of sleep.

So hence why my 9 and 10 week updates are a little late.  As I reflect back on the past week I can't but think how lucky I am.  I'm not sure if it's still the raging hormones or my overwhelmingly greatfulness to have children but I had a moment.  A moment where I was so proud to be a mommy. A moment I will cherish forever and can't wait to have more mommy moments to come like that.  

I was upstairs playing on the play mat with the girls one morning.  Matt had just left for work and I was looking down at Maddie and Emma as they were both smiling and cooing at me.  It was the first time both babies had cooed together and it brought so much joy to my heart that I literally was moved to tears.  I don't cry too often anymore thinking about our long long journey but in that moment I wept because I could.  I wept because again all the pain and suffering was totally worth that moment.  To see two beautiful babies smiling and cooing confirmed why I or anyone would ever put your body, mind, and everything else through 3.5 years of multiple rounds of in vitro.  

I'm not the only one that struggles or is struggling with infertility or bare was but if you read my blog you might like what a fellow blogger posted that I read today.  I found it so fitting that I wanted to share.... So read on 

It's titled 

Why God Took So Long To Give Me A Baby

I was painting in the garage, and she was drawing a rainbow on the cement floor with chalk when she said, “I’m glad God gave me you to me as my Mommy.”

I wasn’t ready for it. “What?” I asked, making sure I heard her right. She tried to say it again, but her words came out a little more awkward this time, and she said something like, “I’m happy your’e my mommy from God.”

Tears filled my eyes.

Then she prayed, “God, thank you for giving my mommy to me. And thank you (I couldn’t understand this part.) And thank you, she makes me breakfast. And thank you we’re going to make pumpkin spagotti (biscotti). I hope it tastes good. Do you think it will taste good, God?”

Then she opened her eyes, and went back to drawing her chalk mural–while my eyes blurred with tears, and a huge lump came to my throat. Where did that come from?

She’s three…and I didn’t know her little heart could hold such gratitude. Or that it would just burst out of her, during this subtle moment in the garage. Or that she would thank God, outloud, for me, right then.

Usually, she doesn’t even want to pray out loud–even with me encouraging her.  But today she felt something inside her.

Something beautiful.

Her little heart can hold more love than I often know.

Her little mind…is not so little as I think it is. She thinks far beyond what I would expect.

“Thank you, Selah,” I said, smiling. “I’m so glad God gave me you as my daughter.”

I would have hugged her right then, if my hands didn’t have white paint on them, and if there wasn’t so much junk between us on the floor. The drawers I was painting, and an old wooden chair.

“Did you have to wait a long time for me Mom?” she asked. (I have told her the storymany times, but she wanted to hear it again.)

I stepped across the junk on the floor and came a little closer to her. “Yes,” I said. “I asked God for a baby over and over again. But He didn’t give me one for a long time.”

“And when me and Daddy found out you were in my tummy, we were so happy!” I told her.

“Do you know why God took so long to give you a baby?” she said.

“No, honey,” I said. “I don’t know.”

“I know why,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because…He was making me,” she said.

He was making me.

I looked into her deep blue eyes, that seemed to know something from another world, and her blonde tossled hair russled in the breeze. And in that moment, she seemed a thousand years old.

He was making me. 

And that answer was enough. And my heart resounded with the truth of it, “Of course He was. Of course, that’s exactly what He was doing, Dear One.”

Because now that I know her, and know how special she is–it only makes sense, that it took so long. I don’t know what God was doing with her up there. There is just something about her, that seems as if she spent a long time on God’s chest before coming to mine. Almost as if heaven didn’t want to give her up.

Selah. 

And I say this with tears, to you, barren ones…

Who are waiting for your baby prayers to be answered.

Who are praying every day for God to give you a baby. To give you life.

I don’t know why it’s taking so long. 

I don’t know if He will give you a child through your womb, or through foster care, or adoption.

But either way…if you are waiting right now, and you don’t know why it’s taking so long.

Maybe it’s because God, the Maker and Giver of Life and every living thing…is still in the process of making your baby.

We can’t even begin to comprehend what is happening in the heavenlies, in the unseen, and what, or who He is forming. 

His ways are not like ours. His timing is not like ours.

And perhaps if He’s moving so slowly, and He’s taking so long… It’s because He’s forming something so breathtaking and beautiful…it cannot be rushed.

He is in the process of forming a masterpiece. 

And maybe one day, a little masterpiece will stand before you and say, “I know why God took so long to give you a baby.”

And you will say, “Why?”

And they will say,

“Because…

He was making me.” 

I can't but think this is part of my story too.  That God waited for the perfect moment to allow my womb to no longer be barren. I had a feeling that one day I would have twins.  Perhaps it was just a dream of mine but I truly think it was gods reality for me.  So maybe he was just waiting for not one but two embryos.  Time will tell and God will one day shine his light in my life at the perfect time and show me why it took so long

So as much as I hate to still be emotional about having kids the pain doesn't go away it just gets easier.  And times like cooing babies make it so worth whatever struggle anyone is going through.