A few weeks ago as part of the donor process Matt and I had to meet with a psychologist. At first Matt and I were pretty skeptical... I mean seriously if we can get over the death of a child and 5 miscarriages I think we are mentally capable of making an informed decision to use a donor egg but had to go anyway so we tried to go with an open mind.
We first scheduled an appointment back in May with a local psychologist. She did her evaluation in two appointments instead of one. We had our first appointment which consisted of us telling our long fertility story and her asking a few questions. We then scheduled another appointment with her a week later however due to an emergency she had to cancel on us. Needless to say that Emergency turned into a long long leave and we had to find a new psychologist. Although super super annoying I was eventually ok with it because she was a little nutty herself.
So we met with Dr. Silvia Fox in Glencoe, Illinois. I really liked her. Very knowledgable and very nice. She even new what Balanced Translocation was. Most people look at me like I am speaking in a foreign language and really have no idea just how horrible this stupid genetic thing really is when I try to explain it.
You know it's always something with us. So funny thing happened before we were about to meet her. We had about an hour drive from naperville to Glencoe. We left a little early and had enough time to grab a quick Starbucks before our appointment. Coincidentally her office (so we thought) was the door right next to Starbucks entrance.
So we walk open the door walk up the stairs to find two doors. One on the left and one on the right. Let me tell you it didn't smell pretty in here.... Very old and very musty. The door on the right had a gaudy old ugly wreath on it and the door on the left had nothing. I guessed the door on the left first but it was locked. Matt opened the door on the right a low and be hold it looked like a psych office out of a horror movie. Book harder galore but it had all of the right pieces: couch, desk, writing utensils. Matt and I looked at each other, NO THIS CANNOT BE HER OFFICE. Well she told us to make ourselves comfortable if she wasn't there so we decided to wait for her in the hallway (it smelled a little better). I looked at Matt again and said we better make sure we have the right office I cannot imagine Dr. Miller would recommend a place this disgusting. So Matt looks and sure enough wrong address. Whoopsie!! So we ran out and found the correct office. So much nicer and normal looking. No couch in her office just two nice comfy chairs.
I won't share all of the personal things we talked about but we touched on two really important topics. One how will I grieve the genetic loss with a donor egg baby and two how will we tell our children. The donor egg process and bringing home a beautiful baby sounds so amazing but on the flip side you also realize how complicated it can be and realize that there are quite a few "things" to think about.
I have not quite gotten over the fact that my babies won't hold my genetic material and I still cry about it but it does bring me comfort in knowing that I will never be able to pass on balance translocation to them. At the end of the day Matt and I want a family and after three years of trying we think that this is the best next step for us to hopefully allow us to bring home a baby or two!
We have decided to share openly with our children about the story of their life. The psychologist had some great recommendations and suggested to start from birth rather than holding a "secret" until they are a teenager. She said most people call the donor something like the "special egg lady" that had to help mommy and daddy make a baby. I'm not sure what kind of story Matt and I will come up with. We do know that we don't want our children hearing from someone else instead of us that they were a product of ivf.
And as always God shined his little light into our life and reassured me that this was all going to be ok. She told us a story about how in a 9th grade biology class in Chicago they were talking about genetics and the subject of ivf came up. The teacher asked if any of the students had been conceived via ivf. She said about 9 out of maybe 25-30 students had raised their hands. She looked at us and said although it may feel like it your children will not be alone. Sometimes in so many ways I think it was fate for Matt and I to live in Chicago.
So on a spiritual note I do pray that with time my emotions and sadness will get easier and I can with each week of a pregnancy let go of the guard I will put up in fear of getting attached too early and losing another baby so late in a pregnancy.
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